Thoughts from the Sead

You're Not in Kansas Anymore, Grandpa!

2010-12-12T15:19:00.000-08:00

Do you think he's sad to be missing the huge snow storm that's hitting Ohio today?

All I Want for Christmas Is...

2010-12-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

The recent buzz in our family is the news that my dad is finally embarking on his dream to travel the country in his RV, to explore sights, visit family & friends, & make new friends throughout his journey. My dad's been working toward this goal for nearly two years. (Although, the dream's been stirring in his mind for as long as I can remember!) He had to down-size his possessions, which turned into a huge project! Imagine a Tinkerer & Not-Happy-Unless-I'm-Busy-Man who owns a 3 bedroom, 2000 sq ft house with a full basement AND a 3 car garage who also happened to have a Garden Railway in his backyard---and then add tools, technology equipment, pool table, exercise equipment, and odds & ends that he's stored for entertaining his 6 grandchildren whenever they had time to visit. (We're all wondering if he saved his collection of Powerful Water Guns?!)

Over the past 2 years he's had help from friends & neighbors who helped him gut his house for numerous yard sales & trips to the Salvation Army to help him pare things down to exactly what he thought he'd need in his RV as he travels. My sister & our children & I helped him with the emotional task of taking apart his Garden Railroad this summer, hauling cement roads and riverbeds to the dump, collecting all of the cars, animals, and finally the models of all of our houses that Dad has built over the years, complete with shingles, windows, & photos of our faces peering out of those tiny windows. He put his house on the market last spring but with the current market, it didn't sell but we all encouraged him to rent it out so he could finally start his journey before the Ohio winter settled in and made it dangerous for him to travel. He's found a great family to rent his house and resigned from his job at Lowe's (a second home with close friends & coworkers) and he got all of the little details arranged so that he could be mobile for as long as he wants.

Josie's been interested in hearing about Grandpa's preparations and is well aware that California is part of the United States. So being a 7 year old who assumes the world revolves around 7 year olds, she's been hoping that Grandpa would drive to California to spend time with us in Fresno. She knows that he'll make it here eventually but there have been no promises made as to a schedule or an estimated date of arrival. For a girl who likes to 'count the sleeps' to special events, it's been hard for her to understand my response, "someday soon", when she asks, "When will Grandpa come visit us?"

Last week as we were driving home from school we were talking about all of the Christmas lights & decorations on the houses throughout the neighborhood when she casually said, "Think Grandpa will be here for Christmas?" and without waiting for my response she said, "I asked Santa if he could bring my Grandpa here for Christmas but I think I'll ask God, too. Between the two of them, I'll bet they can make it happen. I'm not sure where we'll park his RV, though."

I wasn't going to tell my dad about her comment because I felt that would put too much pressure on him as he's trying to figure out what his first destination would be. He was thinking of going to Florida to visit his brother, my Uncle Norm, who's been in/out of the hospital. He had already talked to my cousin, who lives in Florida, to discuss parking his RV on her property so that he'd be near my uncle & aunt to visit and help out but when he found out that my uncle would be in a rehab facility for a while he started to re-think his plans, thinking he might be in the way. When he mentioned his dilemma, I decided to go ahead and tell him about Josie's comment. Two days later, he called me and told me he'd be heading West, with the hopes that he could arrive in Fresno by the time our Winter Vacation starts on Dec 17th.

Josie has NO idea he's coming or that he's already on his way. He also managed to talk our "Errant" Jane & Uncle Jerry to drive out west with him. The three of them left Columbus, Ohio on the morning of Tuesday, December 7th with giddy plans to stop and see/do anything that they have the urge to do/see on their journey here. So far, they've spent some time in Nashville & when I talked to them today they were in New Mexico with the goal of being in AZ tomorrow to visit the Grand Canyon's South Rim & from there, they may go to Sedona and visit my dad's friend from his elementary school days, who now lives in Phoenix.

As my Aunt Jane said to me this week, "Can't wait to see Josie's face when she sees us pull the RV into the neighborhood and realizes her Grandpa is there! Can you imagine being seven and having all of your dreams come true?"

I can hardly contain my excitement about this secret I'm keeping from Josie so it's a good thing I have plenty of things to do to get my house ready for visitors! Errant Jane & Uncle Jerry will only get to stay for a few days before they fly back to Ohio to celebrate the holidays with their children & grandchildren but I plan on soaking up every single second of their visit.

There's nothing more precious than spending time with family, no matter the occasion.

Giving Thanks

2010-11-24T20:28:00.000-08:00

The economic times have hit most of us and we're all adjusting to living on less, trying to make ends meet, and still save a little bit for a rainy day. I've been trying to teach Josie about the value of money and differentiating between Needs & Wants. We don't have a lot of 'things' and at her age, that really doesn't seem to matter. She LOVES getting hand-me-down clothing & toys from friends & family and knows the joy of seeing a yellow Sale tag on her favorite lunch snack or cereal at the store because we rarely buy things without that yellow Sale tag.

Josie's a great shopper: she loves to look & touch but rarely asks if we can buy something because she knows the answer without asking. She likes to earn quarters for helping me with chores around the house & when she does earn money or receives money for birthdays/holidays we put 1/3 in her piggy bank to save for something large that she wants to buy, 1/3 in her wallet that she can spend however she wants, and 1/3 goes to her Savings Account at the bank. When she has to spend her own money on things, she's much more thoughtful about the purchase. She is already beginning to understand that an item at the dollar store = about 4 chores around the house.

September was a very long month because it was the first month that my paycheck was reduced by the 10% contract that I lost due to budget cuts this year, in addition to a furlough day, and increased health premiums coming out of my paycheck. In my determination to live within my once a month paycheck, I was struggling to make it through the month after all of those Back To School expenses, various Field Trip fees, Spirit Wear checks, & supporting those school fundraisers. Proudly, we had survived nearly to the end of the month without touching my tiny savings account but we were out of shampoo, bar of soap, and I needed bread for Josie's lunch.

I knew I had $23 left in my checking account so I told Josie we'd stop at Target on the way home to get the 3 items on my list. I prepared her before going into the store that I had NO money for her to pick out anything at the dollar section and that this was going to be a quick in/out trip. She was fine with that until she realized that she had her Pink & Black wallet in her backpack. She quickly yanked it out and counted her dollars/change and told me she had $14.86 and asked if she could buy something with her own money. I told her she was welcome to look at the toy section but reminded her that I would NOT be adding any money to her stash.

We quickly grabbed the 3 items on my list and headed for the Toy Section. She had stars in her eyes and was clutching her Wallet tightly as she skipped through the aisles. We ended up walking up and down 3 aisles over and over for about 45 minutes as she collected various items she liked & told me stories of how she'd play with each item or why she thought each item was special. Her favorite & most cherished item was some Lego Thing that was $19.99 and she was pretty disappointed that she couldn't afford it. She kept asking me if she was taking too long to decide and apologized for not making a quick decision but I told her I was proud of her for taking her time and really thinking carefully about how to spend her money. She figured out that while she 'wanted' the items she could afford, she didn't want them as badly as she wanted the Lego Thing. She also figured out that if she saved for a few more weeks she might be able to come back later and buy the Lego Thing. After 45 minutes of debating and re-calculating her money, she finally decided to buy NOTHING so that she could save her money until she could afford the Lego Thing. She sweetly thanked me for waiting for so long while she decided and happily went to the check out so we could buy the three items we needed.

As we were getting in our car on a balmy 102 Fresno September afternoon, I heard some grunting noises and my head automatically turned to make eye contact with one of two homeless men meandering down the parking lot aisle. The grunting was coming from a younger man who appeared to be disabled. The older man immediately stopped and said, "We'll stop right here. We don't want to frighten you. We haven't eaten since Saturday (it was Tuesday) and I really need to feed him," as he pointed at the younger man. Josie heard it and whispered, "Why don't they have any food? Mom, they are so dirty."

The older man asked if I had any food in my car that I could share with them and Josie was still whispering questions, "Can't they go home and get food? What's wrong with them?" I knew I had enough money left to buy them each a sandwich at Quizno's across the way and quickly realized that as tight as my month was financially, we were much better off than these two men. I told them to meet us across the parking lot so I could buy them dinner.

As we drove across the parking lot I had a quick conversation with Josie about what it means to be Homeless & talked with her about the many reasons that people end up losing their jobs, homes, & possessions. I told her that we'd buy them sandwiches to help them out. When we got to Quiznos, the older man opened the restaurant door for us and the odor was pretty strong and Josie clung to my hand tightly. The younger man was so excited & was squealing and ran and grabbed a bag of cheetos and looked at the older man and asked something unintelligible. The older man gently took it from his hand and placed it back on the rack. I decided right then that the younger man must get those cheetos. I told them to order their combo meals and also purchased a bottle of water for each of them because it was 102 and horribly hot that day. Josie watched everything quietly.

When we got to the counter to pay for their meals, I got out my debit card to pay but Josie quickly pulled out her wallet and said, "I'm going to buy it for them, Mom. I think I have enough money." Turns out, the meals & the water came to just under $14 and I let her pay, knowing that she had truly understood the difference between Want/Need.

I left there with tears in my eyes as the older man held the door and said, "Thank you and bless you and your daughter. I promise to pay it forward to someone else as soon as I'm able."

As we got in the car, Josie had more questions, "Where will they sleep? Isn't it too hot to live outside right now? Can we go home and get our tent and give it to them? Where will they take a bath tonight? Why don't their moms and dads help them?" I tried my best to answer her questions and also tried to explain that there are issues that money can't fix. So much to try to explain to a seven year old.

In the end, she told me that she was really glad she didn't buy the Lego Thing or any of the other little toys because she didn't need the toys and those men needed dinner.

On the eve of Thanksgiving, I'm so aware of all that we've been blessed with: loving family & friends, everthing we need (including our good health), and most of what we want. I'm so thankful for my compassionate & full of life daughter and the experiences that we share.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Why I despise Sprinklers: a photo essay

2010-10-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

Really, are any words necessary?

Cat Lrning (In Honor of National Day on Writing)

2010-10-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

I was reminded that today is National Day on Writing and my good Mid-Western German-Catholic Work Ethic that I was raised to value won't allow me to slumber tonight unless I post something on my blog. After helping my sassy seven-year-old-going-on-thirteen daughter with homework, I figured it's only fair that she should, in turn, help me with posting on my blog. Therefore, with her nervous permission, I'm going to re-print two entries from Josie's spiral notebook journal. In order to keep her post honest, I will not be editing or revising her delightful writing.

Cat Lrning

When cats are born there eyes are clossed. Cats are very smart. They are very good hiders. The mom cats have babys. The dad cats take cear of them. The dogs chashs the cats. I love cats.

bog Lrning

Dogs are smart just like cat.

When bogs are born there eyes are clossed.

(both entries reprinted with permission from Josie)

Bedtime was a little exasperating tonight after fighting about dinner & homework & picking up dirty clothing from someone's bedroom floor. She could hear the strain in my voice as I asked her for the 3rd time to brush her teeth. She walked past me in the hall with the sweetest, most innocent smile on her face & said, "Someone needs a kiss and a hug. Let me help you out with that, Mom." How did she know that kiss & hug would make it all better?

Finally, after a long day of juggling Life as a single mom, I can finally go rest since I completed today's obligations. Props to Josie for sharing her writing in honor of National Day on Writing. Life experiences with cats and dogs provided the inspiration for today's magnificent piece.

Josie Quips

2010-10-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

It's finally cloudy and a bit drizzly in Fresno today, which seems like a perfect excuse to do something cerebral instead of tackling the To DO List that hasn't been touched all weekend. Yesterday I blamed it on my barometric-pressure-induced-migraine (but I DID get a load of school work done while watching Scooby Doo with Josie). Somehow, fate or karma decided I needed this weekend to slow down.

I just wish Fate could convince Josie that we're slowing down. She's already written two songs & has plans for creating a cardboard village that she wants to make using mini-marshmallows & toothpicks & beads. I have a feeling I'll be teaching her how to use the attachments on the vacuum cleaner before the day is over.

Josie's only had a few sleepovers and so far, she hasn't made it through the night at a friends' house since Maya & Sage moved to Massachusets. As soon as night falls, she's pretty sure she needs her mom or dad & asks to go back home. She enjoys having friends sleep at our house but even the slight change in the routine makes her a little weepy at bedtime. I'm sure she'll eventually work it all out but I kind of like the fact that Sleepover Days are still pushed to the future. A few weeks ago, however, she and a friend had been playing all afternoon at our house and asked if they could have a sleepover so the fun wouldn't have to end. Jessie's mom agreed and we made a pact that if there were any tears or fears, we'd drive Jessie home, no matter what time of the night it became necessary.

To my delight, the tears & fears never happened and I slept pretty soundly. Second Grade Sleepovers are pretty mild. There was pizza for dinner, Scooby Doo on the DVD, and Speedy Whiskers, the rat, seemed to love the attention he received. At about 9 pm the girls started yawning and when I suggested it was time to get ready for bed, they were eager to crawl under the covers. The closet light had to stay on but they were soon asleep with only minimal giggles & fake snoring.

In the car the next day, they insisted on listening to Kidz Bop Christmas Music as loud as my car stereo would allow. They shouted loudly with the music in between giggles. At one point Josie said, "Jessie, we're just like twins! I know you have brown skin & black hair and brown eyes & I have peach skin and brown hair & green eyes but we both laugh at the same stuff so we're just like twins!" Without hesitating Jessie said, "Yup, we are twins. We laugh at the same stuff and we like the same pizza and that definitely means we're twins."

If only our nation could adopt that kind of logic!

Last week Saturday I got a call from Josie late in the evening. She was whimpering and in between deep sighs she asked, "Mom, can I stay at your house tonight?" I told her that her dad had been out of town for so many nights that he was missing her and really wanted her to stay at his house. "But Mom, I don't like what he's serving me." (insert whine & sobs) What is Daddy feeding you, Josie? "Oh, he's NOT feeding me anything. He's trying to serve me mushy carrots but I'm not eating them." Josie, you need to try the carrots, they're good for you and your body needs vegetables to grow strong & healthy. "But Mom, they are so squishy and I just can't put them in my mouth. And he says I have to eat two of them." If you put them way in the back of your mouth and chase it with water, you won't even taste them. Really, you're making a big deal out of this and if you just do it quickly, it'll be all over with. "Oh, Mom..." (add drama and crying and whimpering) "I'm going to put my dad on the phone and you tell him that you're coming over to pick me up, okay?" Before I could decline, she handed the phone to her dad and he and I both laughed.

The next day I called to see how the Carrot Drama was resolved. Turns out she told him she ate the carrots and when he glanced at her plate, they were indeed gone. The next morning when he was cleaning up the dishes in the sink, he discovered the carrots hidden under the rice on her plate. So when she asked if she could have a play date with her friend, David, his response was, "Did you really eat the carrots on your plate?" She sheepishly realized she'd been caught and said, "No." And her dad responded with, "Then there's your answer to whether or not you can have a play date."

Josie understood the lesson. On Monday after school she told me all about it and said that she should have just swallowed those carrots instead of lying about it. "Two whole days were ruined when I could have just swallowed them and then thrown them back up really fast."

On Friday, Josie's teacher had Arts in the Classroom Training to attend so their class had a substitute teacher. The substitute teacher was a very sweet, white-haired lady and when the other teacher on our wing & I spotted her, we were a little concerned about how she'd manage the more challenging 2nd graders that she'd be dealing with throughout the day. I went across the hall and assured her that if she had any problems, she could call me or send me students that needed some time out or an alternative place to work. She reassured me that she has a very commanding style & she uses her tone of voice to capture their attention and while I believed her, I had my doubts about how she'd capture the attention of a few particular students. I checked in on her throughout the morning to see how things were going and was pleasantly surprised to see that for the most part, the students were trying to be attentive.

When I asked Josie about the day, she gave me her critique honestly. "Well, Mom, she was this old lady like a grandma. She called some people 'Young Man' or 'Young Lady' and my feelings hurt for those people. But I was really trying to be good so that she wouldn't have to call me a 'Young Lady'. Only 3 kids were naughty because they were kind of mean to her because she was really old. I thinky they probably don't like grandmas or they thought she wasn't smart about the rules. But she was pretty smart about rules and I think she could hear pretty good, too. I kind of liked her."

It's time to wrap up the Josie Stories and drive her to the store to get more mini-marshmallows for the vacuum to "eat" later this afternoon. Afterall, we've been waiting for a rainy day since April...don't want to waste the opportunity to be slovenly!

Jumping Jacks are the Hardest Thing

2010-08-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

We've been back at school for almost 2 weeks and summer already seems like a distant memory. Josie just started 2nd grade & I began my 23rd year of teaching and we're both loving it! We aren't thrilled about the early start to our routine or the August Heat but things are going well, especially since our classrooms have working AC at the moment! (Back to School Night was conducted in sweltering classrooms with NO AC that registered 98 degrees indoors--not very aromatic introduction for new parents.)

Josie's now seven (in legal terms, I've heard this referred to as the Age of Reason) but her logic & observations continue to delight me. Although, there are those brief moments when I wish for quiet and solitude instead of listening to her constant chatter. I quickly remind myself that it won't be long before she'll hit those pre-teen sullen/silent years so I put my Listening Ears back on so I don't miss out on Josie's Wisdom.

During the final weeks of summer we were busy with Play Dates & Water Park Visits & trips to the coast to escape Fresno's Summer Heat. She also spent a lot of time with her friend, David, swimming in his pool, hanging out with him at her Dad's house, & enjoying Game Night with his family. I tried several times to invite him to our house for a Play Date but each time I suggested it, Josie vetoed the idea. After several suggestions, I started wondering if she didn't want David to see our "old" house so I asked her directly, "Why is it that you don't want David to come to our house?" Her response was honest: "Mom, I have a lot of Girl Things at our house. I don't want David to know I have so many Girl Things so it's easier to play with him at Daddy's." I suggested that we could pack up the Girl Things and give them away or hide them in my bedroom. She pondered that for a moment and said, "Yes, that might work but we can't give away my Polly Pockets yet." (Darn it!)

Speaking of "Darn It", Josie has an ongoing fear of Flushing Toilets. She cringes at the sound at home every time a toilet is flushed. But, she's downright fearful of those Sensor Toilets in Public Restrooms because she has figured out that those are extremely LOUD & they often flush while she's still sitting on the toilet. I think she suffers PTSD due to Sensor Toilets. Needless to say, at home she rarely flushes the toilet and her bathroom visits are followed by these questions, "Did you wash your hands & flush the toilet?" These questions always result in an About Face Run to the bathroom to remedy whichever task she forgot. A few weeks ago, on one of those dreadfully hot Fresno days, I was putting laundry away and heard Bentley lapping up water out of the toilet. My mind flashed & I ran to the bathroom to find Bentley drinking out of an unflushed toilet and was completely grossed out. I yelled, "DARN IT! Josie---you have GOT to start flushing the toilet without any reminders!" Sensitive Josie sulked into the bathroom with tears in her eyes & whimpered, "Mom, I can't believe you just 'Darnded' at me. That hurts my feelings." After a calm discussion & a demonstration of what Poor (Disgusting) Bentley had just lapped out of the toilet, I think she remembered to Flush for at least 24 hours.

Now that I'm teaching the same grade that Josie attends, I get to see her quite a bit throughout the day. I love this & so far, she seems to think it's pretty neat that she can call me "Mom" while everyone else calls me "Ms. Severt" (although, I hear "Josie's Mom" just as often as I hear "Ms. Severt). I'm definitely NOT a model of Physical Education and it's laughable to think I'd know the first thing about teaching PE but in California, elementary teachers are the sole instructors of Art, Music & PE. (Scary to think I have to instruct/model any of these 3 subjects, huh?) Our Second Grade Team of Teachers has a system for PE. We begin the year teaching all of our 120 2nd graders to line up like the Football Team and we do exercise & warm up drills, counting off like drill sergeants. We follow that by a lap or two around the track, walking in the heat & jogging if the weather is tolerable. Once our kiddos have the Warm Up Routine under their belts, we'll begin teaching skills of popular recess games: soccer, basketball, hoola hoops & hopscotch. This is a much different routine than Josie's PE experience in first grade where they played things like Roller Ball or Jump Rope or parachute. After the first week of PE (Ed Code requires 100 minutes of PE per week), I asked Josie what she thought of 2nd Grade PE. She sighed heavily, "I'm not liking it so much. When do we get to do the fun things like throw balls at each other?" I promised her that we'd start the Fun Stuff soon but tried to focus on the positive aspects of Exercising. "Which Warm Up Exercise do you like best, Josie?" "I don't know, but I can tell you which one I DON'T like the most: Jumping Jacks! My arms are close to my brain so they seem to understand what to do but my legs are so far away from my brain that they don't do the right thing. Jumping Jacks are the hardest thing about 2nd grade, Mom."

Simplicity!

2010-08-06T19:03:00.000-07:00

We've had one of the best summers---haven't felt this relaxed in a long time & as I look through our collection of digital photos, I'm amazed at the adventures we've had with family & friends!

I'm not sure why this summer felt less stressful: Is it because we had such mild temperatures for Fresno? Or maybe it's because the end of the school year seemed so dismal with lay-offs, goodbyes, and changes? Perhaps it's just a mind-set because I was determined to enjoy the days with Josie & settle into a state of calm. Whatever it was, it's been delightful & energizing!

I have a sneaking suspicion that part of the reason our summer was filled with so many adventures is due to the fact that we've had no television since sometime in May (converter box died). At first, I thought about replacing it and even checked into the least expensive cable plan but after a few weeks, Josie & I decided we didn't really miss television. We've played lots of games, read numerous books, had lots of play dates, camping trip, day trips to the coast, poker night with friends, water park outings, and lots of time to talk. And talking with Josie is always enlightening and interesting!
To top it off, a few weeks ago a transformer in our alley exploded loudly and after it was finally repaired and our AC was restored, I discovered that our computer modem had been fried. Took me a few days to explore my options and finally bought a new modem but still the connection was intermittent. Facebook, emails, and computer games came to a halt but it just added to the time we spent doing more interesting things. After a few lengthy phone calls to at&t I finally had a modem that 'sort of' worked but then the computer kept shutting down on it's own and frustration started seeping into my bliss. After a few attempts to defragment and clean up files, I finally had computer wizards check it out and it's been determined that the motherboard is fried.
Being without connections and reading updates from those I love and those I barely know, I realized that life without Facebook might be a good thing for me. I'll save for a new computer (or, do what Josie keeps suggesting: "Ask Santa for a laptop!") but in the meantime, our wonderfully generous friends, Robert & Nikki, have loaned us a laptop so that I can keep the world informed of the latest Josieisms.

I'll add this post to Facebook in case anyone wants to click on the link and save the blog in your favorites or become a follower. I'll miss updates from those I love & admire on facebook but I hope you'll keep in touch via phone & email or maybe even stop in and read my blog from time to time.

severt.lori@gmail.com
http://www.thoughtsfromtheseadblogspot.com/

And, of course, I have to leave you with a recent Josieism: "Summertime is great but I miss my friends and I really need to get back to school and work on my 'clalluses' on the monkey bars. I'm really out of shape, you know."

Time to get back to work, eh? I need to develop the calluses on my brain!

How does Life get so busy?

2010-03-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

It seems as though I never quite accomplish all of the things on my To Do List but I remind myself frequently that Time is a precious gift. If I get too caught up in keeping a clean house, empty laundry baskets, and a tidy yard I will miss out on the most important things in life. I started this blog almost 2 years ago as a way to keep in touch & to record Josie's daily life but it's been months since I've posted so it's about time I share some more Josieisms. Many of these have already been shared via facebook (that great time waster aka 'a social network') but if I ever figure out how to print my blog I want to save these Josieisms so she can read them herself someday.

November 2009:

Our school used to hold a Multicultural Feast and all of our ethnically diverse families would bring food from their culture to share. Sadly, state law prohibits us from sharing anything home-cooked so we've adopted an annual Multicultural Fashion Show instead. Students are encouraged to dress up in traditional clothing to share with all of our students. Josie, being all about "fashion" really REALLY wanted to participate this year. I tried several times to explain the concept because she thought she could wear a pretty dress and be part of the show. She finally caught on when I showed her some photos from last year's show. She wasn't going down easily, though. "Well, Mom. Why can't I just wear my Old Navy cupcake shirt and jeans? I can be a United States of American, can't I?"

Walking down the hall at school, past the kindergarten classrooms: "Hmmm....(with a wrinkled up nose)...smells like kindergarteners down here." What does a kindergartener smell like? "Sweaty."

Weeping after school one day, I asked her what had made her so sad. "I really wanted to eat hot lunch today because it was cheese pizza, but you put 'pasghetti in my lunch instead. (insert whimper) I ate cheese anyways, because Mrs. Rail said you wouldn't care. I can't wait to be seven so my life won't be so hard."

December 2009:

Josie's Six Year Old Christmas Wish List: "I'm not a Girlie-Girl anymore, Mom. I like Boy-ie things now because I really like boys. I hope Santa brings me a Nerf gun and some Star War Legos. But, he can still put nail polish in my stocking if he wants."

First words on Christmas Morning after spying gifts under the tree: "Mom! Myriam was wrong!! She told me I was on Santa's Naughty List, but I can tell that Santa knows more than Myriam."

January 2010:

Mom: "Josie, do you want me to help you put Neosporin and band-aids on your injuries?"
Josie: "I've lost six teeth already, Mom. I can put band-aids & ointment on all by myself." (with an eye roll, of course)

"My stomach is having an earthquake today. I just want to go to sleep so it won't throw up on me."

One day when I had Yard Duty at morning recess she ran up to me, nearly bouncing with excitement. "Mom, we have a substitute today!" Really? Do you know her name? Look of concentration with a furrowed eyebrow, "Ummmm....I'm pretty sure it's Miss D but she's the one with the cute little nose."

February 2010:

Looking forlorn and speaking in a grumpy tone, "So, Mrs. Rail told us the groundhog saw his shadow this morning. Does this mean I won't feel warm until I'm in about 2nd grade, Mom? (big sigh) It's such a sad day. I don't think I like this holiday too much."

"I really hope Cupid doesn't shoot me tomorrow, Mom. I don't want to have to fall in love with someone I don't even like!"
Two days later, "Mom!! I survived Cupid! I'm not in love with anyone so I know he didn't shoot me. I'm a good hider!"

Getting ready to go to the park on one of the first spring-like days, "We need to hurry up. There are probably kids just waiting at the park to be my friend today."

March 2010:

"Mom, what does 'delicate' mean?"
Thinking I'd help her figure it out by using the context in which she heard the word, I asked her, "Where did you hear that word?"
Without a moment's hesitation she replied, "In the shower. I hear all kinds of things in my head when I take showers."

One morning at school I stopped to talk to a friend in the office. Josie was ever-so-anxious to get out on the playground and was trying her best to be patient. "Excuse me? Come on, Mom! You're moving like slug!"

"Mom, I love you to infinity. And that's forever. But I love fish to zero. 'Cause I don't even like it to 1. It's nasty!" (with a really wrinkled nose & pinched face)

"Hey, Mom? Don't I have an Aunt Lynne?"

You certainly do!

"McKenzie has an Aunt Lynne, too! Can you believe it? She doesn't have Jordyn or Brady cousins, though. Too bad for her."

One afternoon after trying to coax her into getting some homework done and then having her procrastinate and stall by watching her break & sharpen her pencil for the 5th time, I let out a big sigh. She turned to me in her innocent manner and responded, "Mom, I know how you feel. I'm going to feel the same way when you're old and I'm in college. I'll know so much more than you. I'll get tired out just trying to talk to you about everything you don't know."

When you drop in to visit, my house probably won't be picked up, and the laundry won't be folded and put away, and the yard is likely to appear abandoned. We're too busy enjoying our time together to worry about those things. Living in the moment is the best way to cherish the time we're given!

Travels with Josie

2010-01-11T21:14:00.001-08:00

We are finally back into our routine after a THREE week winter vacation (heaven!) that was preceded by a windfall-surprise-visit from my niece, Kala, during the week of Thanksgiving break, followed by the 9 Sleep Holiday with Grandpa! It feels like we've had an entire month of celebrations, tours, and memory-making. We enjoyed every single moment and it just makes us miss our far away family & friends even more.

Whenever we have visitors it's only natural to take tours of this amazing & diverse state where we are fortunate to live. I made a promise to myself when I moved here that I would NOT take the proximity to the ocean & mountains for granted and I vowed to make a trip to one or the other at least once a month. So far, I've only missed 5 out of the 102 months I've lived here. Not too shabby. I've explored many amazing places and keep returning to our favorites while trying to have new experiences whenever possible.

In the last 4 years I've put about 45,000 miles on my car and Josie has been with me for nearly all of them. We have great conversations & share all kinds of personal secrets as we scoot along the highways and interstates.

"Are we almost there?" "This looks like a good place to pee in the grass, don't you think?" "Are we almost there?" I'm not pulling out until you buckle up." "I have to go, Mommy." "Can we sing something other than Hannah Montana?" "Oh gross! Bentley just frew up all over the seat! I want out!" "No, we don't need another Happy Meal." "Are we almost there?" "See if you can count 100 red cars!" "Mom, Bentley keeps wagging me with his tail!" "Ewwww...I smell skunk and I don't like it, Mom!" "Are we almost there?" "I spy with my little eye..."

I've listened to countless songs by Hannah Montana, Raffi, Jack Johnson, & endless High School Musical, longing for the day when I can get her an iPod with earphones. Still, the long car trips have been worth it so that we can explore, hike, camp & play in the beautiful places that surround our home, not to mention the opportunities to escape Fresno's intense heat or smothering fog. And I DO love my alone time with Josie. She's entertaining & full of spirit & she always makes me smile. Even when I'm annoyed with her whining.

Last week on the way home from our trip to Point Lobos State Reserve (just south of Carmel on Highway 1) Josie introduced me to a new car game she calls "If I...." We each took a turn coming up with a new "If I" sentence starter and then we listed our grand ideas.

Here are some of my favorites that Josie shared:

"If I could be an animal I'd be Pretty Bird because she is beautiful & sings so sweetly."

"If I could fly anywhere in the world, I'd go see my cousins and eat pickles and catch fireflies."

"If I had a piggy bank full of quarters, I'd go see Maya & Sage."

"If I could be anything in the world when I grow up I'd be your Josie, Mom."

"If I could live anywhere in the world, I'd live with Nikki & Robert and their whole zoo!"

"If I could be a fairy, I'd sprinkle everyone with Laughing Potion and then watch them laugh."

"If I could go on a train trip I would want Grandpa to go with me because he loves trains."

"If I could be anywhere right now, I'd be home snuggling Bentley."

I love that she has the ability to dream! I like this game far more than other Travel Games we've played and I know she liked it, too. She was pretty disappointed when we finally reached home and quietly asked, "When's our next trip, Mom?"

Weddings & Morals & National Day of Writing

2009-10-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have never heard of National Day of Writing until my neighbor & friend, Kathee, started spreading the word a couple of weeks ago. She was also the person who encouraged me to start a blog a year or so ago to record Josie quips or photos so that our long distance family & friends can keep up with our day-to-day lives. I decided I'd better post something today to honor such a special Day of Writing.

Normally my obsessive thoughts or curious predicaments or Josieisms or my attempts to analyze my choices inspire me to type a post but today my mind is blank. I'm still recovering from a long weekend in Houston to attend my cousin's wedding & to see Josie debut as a flower girl. Perhaps there's a post I can carve from the lessons learned this weekend.

When you're looking forward to an event for over six months, there are bound to be some disappointments along with extreme anxiety. Josie's been talking non-stop about being a flower girl & started counting the sleeps somewhere around 70 Sleeps to Go. We've been taking care of little tasks for the past month to make sure her Costume was ready: fitting at the seamstress to make alterations to the beautiful flower girl dress, a scary trip downtown to Sunnyside Department Store to find ballet slippers, a thorough search for the perfect Flower Girl Up-Do hairstyle, shopping for hair clips to accent the Up-Do, finding plastic jewelry that would be appropriate to wear to a fancy wedding, selecting bling for the reception flip flops, finding an acceptable Rehearsal Dinner outfit, packing our gear to minimize our checked baggage fee, writing sub plans since school days would be missed, struggling through the final 4 sleeps when Josie could hardly contain her excitement and couldn't fall asleep & the final push to the airport. Let me tell you...life is much simpler when I travel alone. (But also less entertaining, I suppose.)

The wedding turned out to be beautiful but the pictures I took did not turn out well, probably due to my shaking hands & my bloodshot tired eyes. Bummer. I think I started snapping photos just to keep my hands off of Josie & my mind focused on something other than her constant whine. Actually, I think some of those whiny moments were somewhat Tantrumish and humiliating. Very humilitating. But, as Diane pointed out on Monday...these will be stories to laugh about someday. Maybe I'll read this a few weeks or months from now & laugh instead of cringe.

Scared Flower Girl Faces as they listened to strict instructions from Sissy, The Wedding Planner from Hell

My lame attempt at styling Josie's hair since she refused to go to her Hair Dresser's Appointment. Anyone who knows me, knows that Hair Styling is a serious Deficit in my Book of Talents.

In retrospect, I know that a fancy Catholic church wedding ceremony in the middle of a downtown city after an 8 hour day of traveling into a different time zone was NOT a good idea for a six year old during a short "long weekend". Josie's extremely social and loves people but her sleep deprivation & disappointment upon finding out that her cousins couldn't join us pushed her over the edge of sanity. I was right there with her & felt like I simply followed her from crisis to crisis all weekend. I was exhausted from all of the diverting & cajoling. I think it was one of my most humiliating experiences as a parent. (Other than that 'pottying in the grass' episode at David & Gudrun's house last year, that is. Although, this is a close 2nd place.)

My sister called yesterday to hear about all of the wedding events & after sharing my stories from my perspective I suggested that she call someone who was there without a 6 year old to find out The Truth. Our $24 small cheese pizza eaten on the sidewalk outside the Magnolia Hotel at 8 O'clock at night because a tantrum forced us to miss the Rehearsal Dinner at the Alley Theater was NOT the highlight of the weekend. I was thinking we'd eat that pizza in our hotel room while watching Monsters Vs Aliens but the buzzing fire alarm that forced an evacuation of the hotel & the booming sirens from the fire engines echoing off of the other skyscrapers just made my head spin & my hands started digging for the Excedrin that was safely tucked into my purse.

Our Friday Night Pizza Entertainment outside the Magnolia Hotel in Houston. My ears are still ringing.

We had looked forward to swimming in the rooftop pool & relaxing in the hot tub but one was too cold & the other scorched our feet so that all we could do was enjoy the blustery wind at 26 stories high. Bribing Josie to walk down the aisle at the wedding turned out okay...she actually completed what she seemed to think was a Death March but only after I promised she could wear her jeans & Old Navy Cupcakes Rock T-shirt to the reception. By then, I was Over It.

Scowling as she waits for dinner to be served at the Reception in her Reward Outfit.

After the too-numerous-to-count tantrums, she ended up dancing the night away at the Reception. Don't you love the outfit? Wonder how many people were saying, "Can't her mother control that girl?"

I had all day Sunday, on our travel day back to Fresno, to determine that I did everything I swore I'd never do as a Parent. I folded under pressure & I'll be spending weeks building back my confidence as a parent. I truly hope that Josie isn't traumatized by my threats & scowls & cursings that were uttered throughout the weekend. The final straw was losing our Boarding Passes in the restroom moments before our scheduled flight. Luckily, Josie's comment brought me back from the edge of insanity when she asked, "Does this mean we'll be living here in this airport for the rest of our lives, Mommy? I hope they have apple juice."

Happy National Day of Writing!!

(I think this is a modern day Fable. Have you figured out the Moral?)

Talents

2009-09-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

I've often wished I had some sort of a creative bone in my body. I'm not a scrapbooker, I'm not a stamper, I don't paint, or sew, or have any kind of gift for home decorating, and I'm certainly not a 'fashion girl' as Josie aspires to become. I've tried knitting (thanks, Gudrun!) and want to continue with that since I find it relaxing, but I have an unfinished hat, scarf, & poncho to show for my attempt at developing a creative talent. Any of these talents would probably bring me joy and help me reduce stress in my daily life, but today, I wished I had the talent to work with Irrigation Tools. Actually, every time I have a broken sprinkler, I wish for Irrigation Talent. And, sadly, that happens frequently. Maybe it has to do with my Lawn Mowing & Edging Talent?

I pride myself on being able to do things on my own. According to my parents, I've had that stubborn streak for most of my life. I've always had to 'learn by doing' rather than 'learn from others' mistakes'. In most cases, I've learned a great deal & sometimes suffered a great deal, too. Still, I try to make the best of things & move on, eventually. As a role model for Josie, I notice that I try even harder to show her that women can do anything if we set our minds to it. I don't mind if she witnesses the struggle, especially if she sees the success at the end of the battle. (In many cases, she has also learned some not-so-nice-vocabulary-words but I always apologize afterwards and give her alternative words to use when she's frustrated. So far, she likes "oh, man" but I've heard her use "phooey" a time or two, also.)

Two years ago, our good friends, Marilyn & Doug, gave me a fabulous gift for Christmas: luggage rack bars & a used car top carrier to make our travel & camping trips in a two door car with a carseat & 2 large breed dogs a little less crowded. I LOVE that luggage carrier & someday I'll have to post about all of the great trips it has allowed us to take. (If I had the talent to be a scrapbooker, I would have had some lovely pages of pictures to share from our adventures, but, again, I don't have that talent, so instead you'll have to stay-tuned to my blog.) Long story short, even though Doug offered to help me install them, I spent hours and HOURS trying to put those d#$* racks on the roof of my car. Josie's vocabulary increased ten-fold throughout the day but just as darkness started to impede my ability to curse anymore, I finally figured out how to tighten the latches & Josie & I celebrated loudly! I'll never forget her words, "Someday, when I'm a Mommy like you, I want to put things together, too. Good job!" I still feel badly that she heard my frustration but I'm thrilled that she witnessed my struggle & then helped me hold tools and assisted me as I figured it out on my own. I hope she remembers that lesson more than the vocabulary lesson. Success makes the struggles worthwhile and builds confidence, right?

So, after weeks and weeks of watching patches of my front lawn dry up & die, I finally decided to use today to solve the mystery. With recent temps in the triple digits, I knew I'd need to get an early start, so I set my alarm (on Sunday, a day of rest?) for 6:30 am. I ate a hearty breakfast of Cheerios & sucked down my diet Dr. Pepper caffeine-fix & headed out with my shovel. I had high hopes of fixing the problem, then moving on to house cleaning, followed by grocery shopping. Not a bad To-Do List for a single parent.

Or so I hoped.

The details are ugly so I'll spare you the ramblin---but after digging up 5 holes in very Dry-haven't-seen-rain-since-May-with-triple-digit-temps-and-broken-sprinklers-for-many-weeks Dirt, my hands were blistered & I was reciting (SHOUTING) every single curse word I could remember & tried to make up a few of my own. Digging turned out to be the easy part. Broken risers, broken sprinkler heads, & broken PVC tubing were some of the issues. And out of frustration, there was also that broken shovel & mangled finger that still continues to throb. After six hours of labor and FIVE trips to the Hardware Store for Irrigation Repair 101 Tips from an employee at Cobb's & a sweet elderly woman's instructions at Home Depot, I finally have sprinklers that seem to water most of my lawn. I still don't have much water pressure and some of my Pop-Ups don't pop up but at least the dirt is back in the holes and most of the pvc glue has been picked off of my fingers and hands & I'm pretty sure there are no more rocks in the lines. On Tuesday, when my Automatic Timer goes off, I HOPE to have water coming out of every sprinkler without any more leakage in between. Fortunately, Josie was with her dad all day & didn't add any new words to her mental dictionary. But, I'm definitely going to show her that the sprinklers have water coming out of them when she returns home this week!

I'm not sure if I'll ever develop my talents for creativity or craftiness but since I like to 'live in the moment', my new dream is to acquire Irrigation Talents. I can now view this Tub of Tools with fondness:

(Special Thanks to Bob, for guidance, suggestions, encouragment & humor! Also to Kathee for a delicious Mediterranean Chicken dinner, wine & conversation to help me end the weekend on a positive note. I'm lucky to have such great neighbors & friends & I hope none of them are judging me according to the cursing they heard coming from yard all day.)

Glimpses of Josie Growing Up

2009-08-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

Josie's trying hard to grow up faster than I wish.

"I'm too big for princesses, Mom. We should find a little girl that likes princesses & give her all of my stuff." (Then she proceeded to stuff all of her princess clothing, underwear & Princess Paraphernalia into a grocery sack while I stared in bewilderment. I quickly realized that she was cleaning her closet on her own & suddenly didn't feel so sad about this transition.)

"Now that I'm six, I love High School Musical. I'm going to need to go shopping to buy some fashion clothes, okay?" (Now I felt really bewildered...FASHION clothes??? Luckily, she still prefers Target as her favorite place to shop. On my part time teaching salary, that's a HUGE relief.)

Then there was the day I listened as she left this voice message for Grandpa, "Hello Grandpa. This is Josie Wrinkle. When you have time, do you think you could come to my house in California and move my mirror up in my room? It's cutting off my head because I'm in first grade now & I'm really tall." (Grandpa was thrilled to receive such a special invitation & I felt sad, once again, that he lives 2700 miles away.)

The physical changes are somewhat obvious: She lost a top front tooth on the first day of first grade & a week later she lost the other front tooth. She's a perfect Halloween Jack-0-lantern & loves to show off that gappy smile.

She's THRILLED and counting the "sleeps" until Erin's wedding in October because she's going to be the Flower Girl! Just as I predicted in Courage is a Process , Josie is braver now that she's six. It definitely helped to see a photo of the dress she would wear, "Oh, Mom! I'll be beautiful! I really, really, really want to be a flower girl!"

She was speechless and grinning from ear to ear the day the dress arrived & I let her try it on. I had to beg her to stop spinning so I could snap a few photos to send to Erin. (Considering the dress is supposed to be Tea Length, our next step is to find a reasonably priced Seamstress but I can already imagine that toothless grin as she walks down the aisle.)

Just this week she came home and proudly shared her Friday Test scores with me. She gently rubbed her fingers over the old-fashioned foil stars that Mrs. Rail had put next to her 100% scores on her Sight Word Test, Spelling Test & Dictation Sentence. She picked up the packet and put her face next to the stars and whispered, "Ohhhhh...I can't wait for Friday. We get to take tests again, Mommy. First grade is the best!"

Sadly, we've also witnessed that horrible Self Image Challenge that many girls seem to go through. I just didn't realize that it would start so young. "Mom, my legs look too fat. I need to do more exercises to make me look skinny." Or "I don't smile at the bugaboos (her reference to the boys she likes to chase at recess) because they will think I look silly without my teeth."

I know we have our work cut out for us this year as she emerges as a reader & writer but it's her self image that will worry me the most. I can't protect her from all of the hurts she'll experience but I hope to arm her with enough confidence to face the perceived & real judgements she will face as she continues to develop relationships with her peers.

I am so grateful to our friends & my colleagues at school for always keeping a special eye out for Josie & for convincing her that she's appreciated & loved by so many. She feels so at home & confident when she's at school---what a lucky girl to have such a strong start in school!

Can't Resist Those Josieisms

2009-06-06T15:57:00.000-07:00

"It's really hard to be six, Mom. I just can't keep my angries in all the time. It makes my belly hurt really bad so I have to scream sometimes. I'm sorry."

"My hair is too hot. I can have Princess hair when it's winter. Let's cut it off so I don't have to be so sweaty."

"I think I look just like Mrs. McClelland now. I love being so beautiful!"

"When I'm seven, can I wear Fashion shoes every day?"

"I'm going to be just like Curious George now that I have a trophy."

"I can't wait to go see my cousins! In 36 sleeps I'll be really spoiled. But I'll still talk nice to you, Mom, and I'll probably still snuggle you."

"I already ate dinner. I had a cucumber slice & a celery & 'nem an ems for dessert. Don't go cookin' anything for me."

"I've had too much sleep so quit telling me I'm tired. My brain is so full of sleep that it's blank!"

Sidenote: Josie's mom thinks that Six is going to be a very interesting year.

Treasures From My Life With a Six Year Old

2009-05-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

"I am 6."

"While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about."

~Angela Schwindt

Stellaluna

2009-05-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Josie's official 6th birthday and the excitement surrounding this day has been mounting & growing for many "sleeps". This year was the first time she's expressed such anticipation and started planning her party months ago. After debating our budget, Ray & I finally decided to have it at a local Bounce U facility so she could invite as many friends as she wanted & we could avoid a mess at either of our houses. The kids had a great time bouncing & chasing and the adults could simply visit, chat or join in on the fun.

Turning six is a very big deal to Josie. She told me this afternoon that she'll be a lot taller tomorrow & she insisted that she weigh & measure herself so that she could prove that turning six would indeed result in some physical changes.

I mentioned to Josie this morning that six years ago today I was in the hospital trying very hard to help her be born. She could care less about those details (so I spared her) but she did have one important and pressing question, "Why didn't you name me Stellaluna? I really think I would be a good Stellaluna. From now on, you can just call me Stellaluna and I'll let my friends keep calling me Josie, okay? I just think that'll work better."

Happy Birthday, Stellaluna! You are the prize in my life and I'm thrilled to be your mom! The 31 hours of labor, 3 hours of pushing & eventual C-Section was all worth it. Those words, "It's a girl!" that your dad shouted have forever changed my life in the most amazing ways possible. I'm still in awe of your girliness & your independence and I'm sure we'll be having our battles ahead as you change into Stellaluna but this journey is more magical than I could have imagined.

Courage is a Process

2009-02-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

Josie is such a happy-go-lucky, friendly little soul. She seems to make friends easily and doesn't usually demonstrate apprehension with new experiences. I've learned through her questioning ("What will it look like, mom?" "Who will be there?" "Is it like ______?" "Will it be loud?" "Have you ever tried it?" "Did I ever do that when I was a little girl?" "Will there be shots?" "Will I sit in a chair that moves?" "Will the dentist be a girl or a boy?") that she likes to feel prepared for new things so I always try to help her by 'setting the stage'. Since she's so social, she'll usually take off and join in instead of clinging to my leg or acting shy. I'm always proud and amazed by how easily she seems to work through new experiences.

She took tennis lessons after school in the fall and on the first day I walked her out to where a small crowd was forming on the school playground and she quickly ran to the line and started talking to the other kids in the group, "Hi! My name is Josie. Do you want to be my friend?" There was a "big" first grade girl standing to the side, crying, and Josie noticed her immediately. She went over to her, put her arm around her shoulder and said, "Come with me. We're going to play tennis and we'll use racquets & balls & the coaches will help us." (Those were all things I had shared with her that morning, so I know she soaked it all in.) I was so proud of how easily she stepped in to help the scared first grader---clearly she's hit that developmental phase of being able to show empathy.

Knowing that Josie is all about Girl Things, and that dresses and fancy shoes bring on smiles, not to mention that her favorite dress up outfit for over 2 years was a Bride's costume that the washing machine refused to shred, I thought she'd be 'over the moon' when I told her that Erin (my cousin & Goddaughter) would like her to be the Flower Girl at her wedding in October. Without hesitation she burst into tears and said, "NO. I will not be going to any wedding. I won't do it. I won't be doing any kissing and I won't wear a pretty dress and I'm not going to be a Flower Girl." I realized at that moment that we've never been to a wedding that had a flower girl so I tried to back-pedal and start over. I tried to describe what a Flower Girl does, how a Flower Girl dresses, and reassured her that there would be NO kissing of Flower Girls. "You'll be a big girl by then...6 1/2 and you won't be afraid by then." This didn't help. "I will always be afraid to be in a wedding. I just don't like weddings. I like to dance but that doesn't mean I like weddings. The dresses are pretty. But I don't want to see kissing. Weddings are scary, Mommy." (Believe me, I could have lectured on the topic of Scary Marriages but we'll save that for another developmental phase.)

Since it IS the age of technology, I decided to find some youtube videos so I could show her what a Flower Girl looks like/does. She hid her eyes and cried and refused to look at the screen. I then pulled out some old photos of myself from when I was a little Flower Girl in Erin's parents' wedding when I was 4 years old. This only made her cry harder because I had a pixie haircut and I looked like a little boy wearing a pink dress (and, if you remember from an earlier post, she's so relieved that I might soon be a girl so the photo probably made her think I'd regress with my hair growing accomplishment--or maybe she thought we'd have to give her a Pixie-do, too?).

I decided to change the subject and let it go.

This morning as we were eating breakfast and playing a game of Parcheesi Josie reminded me, "I'm not going to be a Flower Girl and no one can make me. I just don't like weddings and I don't like kissing. I like boys but I'm not kissing them." I decided to focus on the Parcheesi game and quickly rolled doubles and let out a loud cheer. Afterall, the wedding isn't until October and we have some time to work this through.

The photo of me looking like a boy in the pink Flower Girl dress was still on the counter and I noticed she was looking at it while I was getting dinner ready tonight. I didn't comment and she tucked it under a pile of stuff, thinking I hadn't noticed. It wasn't until bedtime that she brought up the subject on her own. "Mama, I've been using my magination all day. I can see me wearing a pink dress or maybe a red one and it has one of those pretty bows & my hair would look really pretty, too. I think I might like to carry a basket with flowers. I'll keep magining it and see how it feels tomorrow. I think when I'm 6 I'll be brave about being a flower girl."

That's a lot of progress in one day, don't you think? I feel so lucky that I have a daughter who is so verbal and so thoughtful...she can say what's on her mind in pretty clear terms for her age. I'm also impressed by the process she uses to build up her own confidence. She may change her mind again tomorrow but I'm hoping she embraces the idea and wants to try something new. I'd never force her to be a Flower Girl if she doesn't feel comfortable but I don't want her to miss out on adventures because of fear.

I learn so much from Josie...from her wisdom, her innocence, her simple delight in life. I hope I'm prepared to parent her through each stage of her life because I recognize that it's only going to become more complicated as she continues to grow into her amazingly strong personality.

(Now...since the wedding is in Houston & I'm being pink slipped for a portion of my job next year, I'm hoping some of you will have some fund-raising ideas for me. I don't think our garden produces enough for me to sell our wares at the Farmer's Market but I'm open to ideas!!)

Recent Josieisms

2009-01-31T10:04:00.000-08:00

I've been neglecting my blog lately...mostly due to the fact that I just haven't felt like thinking or writing. I'm finally beginning to feel a bit better & I have a couple of days to myself with no houseguests and no schedule to follow. After having houseguests for 29 nights in a row, I'm feeling a huge sense of relief to know that I have a few days to simply BE in my own space.

Josie's been my source of comfort over these past few weeks and has entertained me with her typical Josieisms. Thought I'd jot a few down to share.

"I think I'm going to have to have to marry Ethan, Mommy. He called me a Foxy Mama."

"I had a dream that I was all growed up into a mom and then I didn't cry anymore when you clipped my nails."

"I really, really want to play with my friends on the playground. That's two 'reallys' so that's a lot of wanting."

"Last weekend, when I was a baby, I loved it when you sang to me. Now it makes me laugh."

"I love Mrs. Grewal. I hope she has a Mr. Grewal."

"When I grow up I'm going to be a princess in my house but outside I'll be a dentist."

"Your hair is getting longer and longer. I think you might be a girl soon, Mommy."

"When I'm at my daddy's new house I feel excited. But when I'm not there, I don't really care about it."

"Roman hurt my feelings when he told me he's going to take my brains. He can't really take my brains, can he?"

While watching the inauguration, I was naming all of the previous presidents as they walked out of the Capitol Building. She was watching intently and then asked, "Hmph! All those presidents are boys. Why don't we have any girl presidents?" I suggested that she could be our first girl president when she's grown up. She replied, "That's just too long to wait for a girl president, Mommy."

"Kris Kringle loves me because she knows I love her. That's how it works. Animals just know if you love them."

New Year Goals

2009-01-03T13:23:00.000-08:00

Friends have been calling and checking in for the holidays and several have asked me if I have any New Year's Resolutions. That's almost the same as expecting me to give something up for Lent. I was raised Catholic and have spent the last couple of decades trying to decide what I believe about spirituality and religious affiliations, and consider myself to be a Recovering Catholic. (I don't think we ever really 'recover', though. Once a person is raised with guilt, I think it becomes part of the genetic make-up and can't be surgically removed.)So, in order to try to eliminate the need to feel any more guilt than I already have ingrained in my being, I don't have any New Year's Resolutions & I won't be giving anything up for Lent.

However, old habits die hard & I do seem to think about goal-setting. I definitely want to improve some of my behaviors over the next year.

Here are my Top Ten Goals for 2009:

10. Clean up the 'office' at my house...it's a disaster and stresses me out just looking at the stuff piled in here.

9. Brush my dogs reularly to help our house feel less furry.

8. Nail a full time teaching position to help my financial situation.

7. Pay off the credit cards and create a savings account for emergencies.

6. Find a comfortable pair of jeans.

5. Paint the molding.

4. Improve my vegetable gardening skills & have enough produce to share generously.

3. Schedule that nagging repeat colonoscopy & quit whining about it.

2. Tell my family and friends how much I appreciate them & need them.

1. Continue to play games, read books, and make Josie my priority every day.

Sleep Tight, Don't Let the Bedbugs Bite.

2008-12-25T10:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Grandma,
You have been and always will be SO loved by everyone who knew you. Saying goodbye to you is not an easy thing to do but imagining you in a peaceful place, playing cards with Grandpa, gossiping over coffee with Lilly Albers, and laughing your hearty laugh brings a smile to my face. You have lived an amazingly long and extraordinary life, Grandma.

I’m saying goodbye to you in a letter because I couldn't be there in person to give you a final hug and kiss, but I know you understand. You have always been supportive of those you love and never judgmental about anyone’s choices. Your hugs and smiles showed all of us how to love unconditionally. Your eight children, 32 grandchildren and who-knows-how-many great grandchildren have an incredible legacy leading the way through our lives.

Little Josie, appropriately named Josephine in your honor, will hear endless stories about her great-grandma! She is a cat lover like you, loves to laugh from her belly like you and already draws in friends with her jovial personality, just like you. When I think of your life on the farm and how hard you have always worked I am in awe of how you always had time for the little things that proved to be life lessons for me.

Grandpa didn’t like the sparrows living in his martin house so he would have a regular “nest cleaning” and tossed the baby sparrows to the side of the lane to die. Being young and naïve and not understanding how the sparrows could harm his crops, I gathered up the baby birds and brought them to you so you could save them. I can still smell the lard crinkling in the skillet as you tried to prepare dinner, see the dishes stacked by the sink waiting to be washed, and vegetables waiting to be cleaned for canning and yet you would stop everything to help me make a warm, homemade nest for the pesky baby sparrows and then you’d show me how to drop water in their mouths. All the while, you knew those sparrows would die and our efforts to save them would be wasted but you showed me that taking the time to heal my broken heart was more important than the chores you needed to finish. I hope that I remember those lessons all of Josie’s life and I hope I model that compassion for her daily.

Some of my favorite memories are the times when I got to spend vacations with you on the farm. You completely indulged your grandchildren by allowing us to sleep in late, run and play when there was plenty of work to do, feeding us our favorite cinnamon rolls, homemade French fries, Big Red floats, and the best apple or cherry pies in the world! Each night after we played hard and ate ourselves silly, you would help us get ready for bed and rub our backs and listen to us tell you about our adventures with the happiest grin on your face! We would then beg to play cards with you and Grandpa and you would play whatever kind of cards we were old enough to understand: Crazy Eights, Spoons, Kings in the Corner, Gin Rummy, Euchre, or maybe even Pinochle. As we got older we tried to slam our cards on the table as hard as Grandpa could just to see you smile. Whenever you thought Grandpa was being too competitive, you’d give him the old, “Awk, come on now, Daddy.” I’d give anything to sit at that table with you and Grandpa and play one more hand of cards.

These last few years of watching your mind and body slip away have been difficult for those who love you. Seeing you trapped in a body that wouldn’t let you laugh or hug us has been uncomfortable for us. We could see that glimmer of a smile and we have wondered if you knew we were with you. You still managed to giggle now and then and you would look into our eyes and give us some hope that you might understand what we wanted to share with you but we always left feeling sad that your mind and body weren’t free to communicate with us. Your words have sustained me for the last several years and will help me through this final goodbye on Earth.

Shortly before you had to go live in the nursing home to receive the care you needed, I was lucky enough to help you pick and pit cherries one last time. I called you from Columbus to tell you I was on my way and you sounded upbeat and happy that I was going to spend a few days with you. When I arrived, you were busy pitting cherries at the kitchen table and looked up at me as if you were confused about my being there. After saying hello and giving you a hug, I could tell that you still weren’t sure who I was. I sat with you and held your hands and said, “Grandma, I’m Lori. I called you this morning from Columbus to tell you I was on my way to help with cherries, remember?” You squeezed my hands and put your arms around me to give me a big hug but you had a sad look on your face. When you finished hugging me tight, you put your hands on my cheeks and looked right into my eyes and said, “Honey, I might not always know who you are, but I will always love you.” I hear your voice in my head and I know that you still love each one of us. You knew just what to say to help me get through those years of seeing you drift away from all of us.

I'd like to believe that your body is now free and your mind alert. I envision you as our guardian angel, looking out for each one of us. As Josie grows up and hears stories about her great-grandma, Josephine, I know she will feel proud to carry your name. She is a lucky little girl to have pieces of your personality growing inside of her!

Grandma, I can hear you laughing and I can feel the warmth of your hug and the gentle scratch of your fingers on my back. You have had a wonderful life and you have shown your family so much love and compassion that I hope will continue to grow and expand in each of our families. I am so lucky to call you my Grandma and to have so many memories of you stored in my mind.

Sleep Tight. Don’t let the bed-bugs bite.

Love You, Lori

Josephine: A Short Biograhpy

2008-12-22T20:54:00.000-08:00

Josephine's First Communion at about 6 or 7 years old

My maternal grandmother, Josephine, was born on Christmas Day, 1908. She would have turned 100 years old this week and naturally, I can't celebrate Christmas without remembering my grandma.

We've all debated whether or not Christmas is truly the day Grandma was born or if the orphanage in NYC or Immigration Officials at Ellis Island simply assigned this date as her approximate birth. We do know that she was born on a ship that set sail from Italy and was born sometime during the journey to the U.S. After arriving in NYC, she was placed in an orphanage, and according to the stories told by my aunts & uncles, she lived there because her birth parents couldn't afford to care for her. My grandmother never talked with me about her early memories and I'm not sure if she simply didn't have memories of that time or if she chose to live in the present (which would have been typical of my grandmother).

When Josephine was about 3 years old, she was put on a train during the Orphan Train movement and headed toward the midwest farming communities. PBS has a short but informative piece about the Orphan Trains, which was designed to help provide homes & families for the numerous orphans in NYC, but also meant to help farming families with the great task/labor of running their small farms. The PBS program shares some of the positive and negative aspects of the Orphan Train program but I'd give anything to know what it was like from my grandmother's perspective.

Josephine shortly after her adoption, approximately 1911

Grandma rode the train all the way to Ohio, although I'm not sure which depot was her final destination. She was adopted by a German Catholic couple who were unable to have their own children and they took her back to their farm in Coldwater, Ohio. She lived in the same farm house the rest of her life, caring for the livestock, working in the fields, cooking for farm workers, raising her eight children (one set of twins), and creating a huge legacy alongside her husband, Raymond. Stories about my great-grandfather make him sound like a very controlling & abusive man so I can only imagine what it was like for my grandmother as she was growing up with such a mean-spirited father. I have to assume that someone showed her love and compassion because that is all she had to share with her children and grandchildren.

Josephine taken before she was married, in about 1930

I have a storehouse full of memories of my grandmother and grandfather and all of them make me smile & laugh. They are typical of the generation that lived through the Great Depression & World War II---saving every penny in a safe at home, living off their land, recycling & reusing everything. (When they moved out of their farmhouse into a nursing home facility, we all had a sentimental journey as we sorted through the saved plastic bread bags, twist ties, flattened-out-but-used tinfoil, and the jars & jars of homemade canned goods down in the cellar.) They certainly never had much in the way of monetary wealth or financial value but for me, they led the kind of life that I hold dear. I strive to be like them: loving one another through good/bad, sharing the little they did have with anyone in need, feeling a sense of pride about a good day's work, appreciating friends and family & always having time for a good game of cards.

Josephine & Ray's Wedding Photo, June 1933

My grandma came to this world with very little---abandoned at birth and raised as an only child. She never complained and always had hugs to share, led us in laughter, and made sure we knew that she loved each one of us. And she had a lot of us to love. When she died four years ago, about 3 weeks shy of her 96th birthday, she had 8 children, 32 grandchildren & 66 great-grandchildren. For a woman who came with nothing she certainly has impacted this world with the brood of family she's left behind. Her gifts of unconditional love and compassion are guiding forces for all of us.

It's with honor and respect that my daughter was named after my grandmother. My grandma met Josie twice before she died. My mom wasn't sure if Grandma understood that Josie was her namesake & great-grandchild but the love in her eyes has me convinced that she somehow understood. My grandmother 'left us' long before she died, due to the horrible progression of Alzheimer's. In some ways, I've felt that we all needed to let go of her slowly so maybe the disease helped us all grieve & accept that we couldn't keep her forever.

I was unable to attend my grandmother's funeral when she died in 2004 (something I'll always regret because I needed to have that closure) but I did write a letter to my grandma and emailed it to my brother so that he could include it in her casket as a way of saying goodbye. I intend to post it on my blog as a tribute to Grandma on what would have been her 100th birthday in just a few days. We were all so sure she'd live to be 100---her strength, quiet wisdom, and unending love were larger than life for all of us who knew her.

Dad...does THIS entice you to move here?

2008-12-15T22:12:00.000-08:00

A brief review:

Josie and I planted our Winter Garden seeds on September 1:

Tonight as I was preparing our dinner of grilled chicken, fresh cranberries & red skinned potatoes Josie informed me that she really wanted a salad with her dinner. We both love our greens so I normally keep a bag of lettuce on hand to easily prepare a quick salad. I grabbed the bag that I knew was in our crisper but could quickly see that it had been in our refrigerator a bit too long. I tossed it in the green bin and told Josie we'd have to do without a salad tonight. The disappointment on her face reminded me that our lettuce had been looking tasty in the garden so I ran outside in the rare Fresno hail storm and cut our first lettuce.

Luckily, our (store bought) cucumbers & tomatoes were still fresh and Josie was happy to help me wash the lettuce and tear it for our salad. (Next year I hope to grow some winter tomatoes & cucumbers, as I've heard it's possible in Fresno!)

Unfortunately, Josie's taste buds have grown accustomed to store bought lettuce so the flavors from our fresh, crunchy romaine & radicchio lettuces were a little much for her. She made a disgusting face and spit it into her napkin while declaring, "This lettuce is too spicy!"

Hopefully we'll be able to re-train her taste buds soon so that she can enjoy our winter garden as much as the rest of us!

Fresh lettuce from our backyard garden in December?! Sure beats the cold temps in the teens that you've been 'enjoying', don't you think, Dad?

Thanksgiving Traditions

2008-11-27T21:01:00.000-08:00

I love Thanksgiving! It's always been my favorite holiday---filled with memories of large family gatherings at my grandparent's farm or an aunt or uncle's house. Coming from a large extended family where I'm one of 32 grandchildren on my mom's side and one of 19 grandchilden on my dad's side, there was always excitement surrounding the holidays or any family gathering, for that matter.

I looked forward to them as a child, took them for granted as an adolescent, and enjoyed the reconnecting as a 20-something. My friends always enjoyed hearing the stories and just couldn't imagine what those large gatherings entailed. Almost always, there were trips to the Emergency Room, teasing & taunting among the cousins, chasing cows down the lane to creek, tying someone to a tree/post/tractor, loud euchre card games between the aunts/uncles, pipe smoking by Grandpa, way too much food & bottled sodas, games of Kick the Can, hay forts, Ouji Board frights, fighting over who would get to sit on furniture and who would plop down on the laminate-tiled floor, living room tag in the snow/rain, and most certainly...laughter---and a lot of it!

As we got older, Thanksgiving rotated between aunts & uncles homes and that always meant sleepovers. Who doesn't love sleepovers with their cousins? Again...fighting over beds, best positioning of the sleeping bags, who would get a pillow and who would suffer without, laughing and giggling until the wee hours and knowing that no one cared because there were serious card games going on that no child could interrupt. I remember waking in the middle of the night to raid the olive jars (and later to steal the beer or sample Grandpa's homemade cherry wine) and then playing 'stupid' when an aunt would wonder why we had no olives (or beer or cherry wine)for dinner on Thanksgiving afternoon. Grandma's homemade cinnamon rolls or donuts for breakfast, jello salads, & staying in our pajamas until we were forced to 'go outside and get some fresh air'.I'll forever miss seeing the back sides of all of my aunts fighting for counter space as they cleaned up the dinner mess---little did they know that there were a couple of cousins hiding under the large kitchen table listening to the chatter & gossip.

I am so thankful for the large extended family that continues to sustain us and to remind me of the most important gifts: spending time with those we love. Those memories have helped me to create the loving & playful traditions that I share with Josie and our friends in Fresno.

Now that I'm living across the country from my large extended family, I still have that nostalgic feeling about Thanksgiving. I still love it and while I'll never re-create that crowd or be able to reproduce those menus, I watched as my daughter soaked up and savored every moment of our Thanksgiving today. I joyfully realized that she's making some of her own favorite memories. She, too, was looking forward to Thanksgiving and made a list of the people she knew would gather at our house. She knew there'd be that "old dead turkey" to eat, that Paige, Brian & Marsha would come with food, and she knew there'd be games to play and lots of giggling to do. She was thrilled to have both of her parents together for Thanksgiving this year and we all delighted in her energy and excitement.

Josie spent all day giggling and when I was cleaning up in the kitchen she hurried in quickly, grabbed my legs and said, "I have to tell you something, Mommy!" When I leaned down for the inevitable whisper, she pressed her nose to my nose, gave me a big hug and said, "I love Thanksgiving!" She ran out as quickly as a flash (I suppose to make sure she didn't miss out on any opportunities to laugh?) but it left me feeling so proud of the traditions we've created.

I wonder which memories Josie will share some day?

(Finger nail painting, Parcheesi, I Spy, gummy bear cake, Guessture tournaments, passing flatus, 'old dead turkeys', Tripoli, poker, being with people who love her?)

Cleaning Closets

2008-11-23T21:33:00.000-08:00

Well...I did it.

I finished cleaning out my closets---a chore I've been dreading for some time. I do this a few times each year but yesterday I was in the mood to purge. I finally got rid of some things that I was hanging on to 'just in case'.

I've lived in Fresno for seven years---in many ways it's flown by and in some ways I feel like a newbie to the area and to this life. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I spent most of my adult life in Columbus, surrounded by family, friends, places & memories that I created over a 25 year span. When I think of it that way, maybe I've done a pretty good job of settling in, as much as I have, to this life in Fresno. I still remember the first time I flew to Fresno after a visit in Ohio and actually felt like I was returning to 'my home'. This is Josie's home and therefore, it is my home.

So, yesterday I finally got rid of my winter coat, shoe & boot, and sweater collections. I almost took photos of the items before I put them into donation bags, knowing that most of my current colleagues would never believe me if I told them about my heels, sandals, pumps & various colors of each type of shoe. (In all, I tossed 32 shoe/boot boxes!!) I looked over each pair carefully and could think of stories & events that occured while wearing those shoes. I tried on a few and wondered how I had ever fit my foot in the shoe, much less wore them for a full day of teaching or a night out. The skirts/dresses are long gone so it was time to say good-bye to those shoes. Wish I could trade them in for a nice comfy pair of Born's, sneakers, Crocs, or Birks.

I had a coat fetish when I was single, working full time, and had a budget that included personal clothing items. I had all types of winter coats & jackets of various styles, colors & lengths. Let's face it...NOT necessary in Fresno. I figure there are Tent City people and other economically challenged thrift shoppers that'll benefit from my newly donated coat collection, not to mention the sweaters that I finally purged.

In the process of cleaning closets I also came upon some sentimental items that I spent time enjoying as I wiped tears of sadness & joy from my eyes. I saved those pieces, thinking that Josie will someday appreciate them and hoping that I can share stories with her about those special family members and friends---people who don't even know of her existence, and yet they have had a profound impact on our lives.

I'm not sure if the purging means I've made room for more memories & things, or if I'm still in a transition phase of becoming myself. I realized I'm not the same person I was 7 or 8 years ago when I lived in Ohio, in that other life that didn't include fog, part time work, being divorced or being a single 'Mom' to Josie. I left behind parts of myself to make room for new, and while I miss those 'purged parts', I'm beginning, once again, to make room for different/new experiences. I still have no idea what that means, exactly, but at least I'm making room.

Experts say that it takes a minimum of 3 years to truly grieve for things we've lost. I'm probably a little slow (or maybe I've had some distractions) but this month is an anniversary of sorts for me. Four years ago this month Ray moved out, my first rescued dog, Morgan, had to be put down due to cancer, my loving & generous grandmother (Josie's namesake) died at the young age of 95, and I was still recovering from my first round of radiation treatment for thyroid cancer & a miscarriage. Pretty big list of things to grieve but here I am four years later finding that "life is about change and change is good."

Cleaning closets is challenging work!

2008-11-16T12:54:00.000-08:00

The famous Tooth Bag!

"The Tooth Fairy" By Josie

2008-11-11T21:20:00.000-08:00

It's official...Josie lost that first wiggly tooth and I'm well aware that this is a yet another sign that I'm old.

We had to run across the street to show Ben, Abby, Michele & Bob immediately because she knew they would want to see her new smile.

"She's about this small," she says as she holds up her thumb and forefinger to about two inches tall. When Bob tried to translate that to "If she's only this big, how can she carry a quarter?" Josie quickly corrected him, "She's not 'this big', she's 'this small. Geez..."

Before going to bed I heard a much more detailed description:

"She's just beautiful, you know. She has the prettiest fairy clothes and she has peach skin and these teeny tiny slippers that have little bitty ribbons but not the bumpy kind, the shiny kind. She has long long hair but you can't see it all because she wears a pony tail so the hair doesn't blow in her face when she flies. She flies fast, you know. I have to be careful not to squish her when she gives me my quarter. She is really strong because she can carry quarters without dropping them. I think she's going to show my tooth to all of her fairy friends and it will live in the forest and they will climb on my tooth like it's a rock in Oh-semitee. They like to have lots of rocks to climb so they take everyone's tooths when they come out."

Ben told her it's pretty small so it's probably worth about twenty five cents and Josie agreed that sounds about right. She held onto it all night and carefully put it under her pillow. She wanted to skip dinner but I told her the Tooth Fairy might be scared away by her growling belly if she didn't eat. She quickly scarfed down her dinner and couldn't wait to get in bed tonight.

These simple milestones seem so incredible to me. I love the delight and wonder I see in her eyes as she uses her imagination to try to create an image of the Tooth Fairy. I want to hold on to these magical moments forever.

The Gardener

2008-11-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

I've been informed (by The Gardener) that I didn't show enough pictures of my Gardener helping me with our treasure. And truly, she IS my favorite part of the entire process so she should be center stage!

This afternoon she told me that plants like to hear singing and watch some dancing so she provided the free therapy session:

Winter Garden Diary

2008-11-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

1 September: Seeds Sown

5 September: Sprouts!

2 October: (most) Seeds Flourishing

19 October: Transplant Starter Plants to the Ground (Nail biting worry: will they make it?)

26 October: One Week's Progress in the Ground (so far, so good!)

1 November: Looking Healthy 61 Days Post Seed Sowing!

Clearly, Josie's seeing signs of Fall in Fresno:
"Look, Mom! Our oranges are orangin' up!"

Halloween: Pumpkin Patch & Trick or Treat

2008-11-01T16:05:00.001-07:00

Josie's class went to the Cobb Pumpkin Patch for Halloween and her dad was able to go along. He was in charge of Josie & Grace and it seems the girls kept him on his toes.

Josie's class seemed to have a great time, even if it did turn chilly this week.

No more kitties, no more brides...we've moved on to cheerleader this year. Oh my.

"Ewwwwwww!"

2008-10-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

Pumpkin Carving, Josie Style:

Josie thoroughly enjoyed drawing the face on the pumpkin, helping light the candle, and blow it out at the end of the evening. Here's the part she didn't like:

Fiftieth Day of School

2008-10-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

Normally, I'm pretty excited to have the school year under way and routines established in my classroom. This year, things seem to be flying by at top speed and I'm stunned that we are already into the 2nd quarter of the school year. Conferences will exhaust everyone this week but it will also be nice to meet all of our parents for some 1:1 conversations to let them hear how their children are doing in school.

Still, in the back of my mind I know/hope that this will be my last year of job sharing and working part time---financially, it's time. I'm enjoying having the opportunity to help in Josie's classroom and to get to know her classmates and delight in her excitement. Next year I won't have those opportunities if I'm finally working full time and teaching my own class.

So, this week when Josie celebrated her Fiftieth Day of School followed by her first loose tooth, I started to feel sad that time is slipping by too quickly. Whatever next year brings, I hope that Josie will have as much fun as she's having this year and remains enchanted by her teacher, classmates, and school.

Here are some photos from Josie's Sock Hop this week:

First Wiggly Tooth

2008-10-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

Josie's been very happy for the few friends who have had wiggly teeth recently. She's heard stories of putting teeth under your pillow at night to find "shiny huge quarters" in the morning. She's been imagining loose teeth in her mouth for weeks but for the first time, she finally has a LEGITIMATE loose tooth! She squealed with delight after brushing her teeth on Thursday when she discovered that she could wiggle that little tooth with her finger. She ran to tell Marilyn, who was staying with us, and then had to call her daddy on the phone to share the excitement with him, too.

Once again, my video skills are worse than poor, but this is still a keeper clip:

Shortly after making the video, Josie began to wonder what it might feel like if she lost a tooth. She burst into tears and was inconsolable at the thought of a tooth falling out of her mouth. She pretty much cried herself to sleep even with all of my reassurance that it really won't hurt and it probably won't even bleed.

Fortunately, when she woke up Friday morning, the excitement had returned and she quickly looked under her pillow to see if the Tooth Fairy had delivered any of those "shiny huge quarters". I explained that she'd actually have to lose the tooth before the Tooth Fairy would visit. Stay tuned...hoping to get some photos of a gap-toothed Josie grin in the next few weeks!

Real Life Consequences

2008-10-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

If you choose to send an email that bashes the presidential candidate that I admire without checking the facts, you will get a response from me.

If I sit at the computer typing my response and supporting it with examples and research, then Josie will have some free time on her hands.

If Josie gets 100's of Halloween stickers from her Grandma in the mail AND has free time on her hands while her mom is distracted at the computer, there will be stickers haphazardly placed.

If the large picture windows in the living room are available and already sporting Halloween decorations, they will acquire some haphazardly placed Halloween stickers.

If you're still paying off the large picture windows and don't want to view Halloween stickers for the next few decades, you will spend almost an hour picking stickers off the windows.

If you love your daughter and think she's pretty clever, you'll sweetly tell her that stickers should ONLY be placed on paper.

If you realize that there's humor in the morning's events, you'll take the time to capture it on film and write a blog about it.

Life does have Natural Consequences.

"Kinder" Wisdom

2008-10-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

I'm realizing how quickly Josie is making connections to this new world of Kindergarten. She LOVES school and wishes she could erase Saturday & Sunday from the calendar so that she could spend all of her days with her beloved Mrs. Rodgers & friends. She is having the PERFECT first school experience, thanks to an amazing teacher. She's like a sponge soaking up all of the experiences and using the knowledge to help her world make sense.

Here are some samples of this week's Wisdom:

She woke up in the middle of the night Monday and told me that her throat had spider webs in it. When I offered a drink of water she quickly replied, "No, Mommy, it will just get stuck on those spider webs anyway. Maybe if I cough I can make them come out of my throat?"

On the way to school on Tuesday we were talking about eating healthy snacks and getting enough exercise to keep our bodies healthy. I told her I want to start walking more to help me lose weight and feel stronger. She offered this advice, "Yeah, I think if you would just eat some really teeny tiny food it would just make your stomach get smaller and smaller and it will shrink away." When I asked what kind of 'smaller food' she'd suggest she wrinkled her brow, pursed her lips, and looked out the window thoughtfully for a few minutes.

She finally answered, "Maybe you could eat a pea for dinner."

Josie obviously loves being a helper in the classroom. This week she has the stately job of
Chair Stacker. She gets to pick two helpers each day to assist with stacking the kindergarten chairs. Each morning on the way to school we've had to discuss WHO she will pick as her helpers for the day. This morning she realized that she will not be able to pick all of her classmates by the end of the week. This was pretty troubling for such a kind-hearted princess. Finally she said, "It will be okay. I like all of the kids in my class and they know it even if I can't let them all be my helpers."

We now have "jobs" at our house, too:

Light Monitor~turns on/off the Halloween lights
Mommy Helper~delivers important things to the mailbox or neighbors
Weather Person~runs outside to see if we need jackets
Dog Feeder~dumps dog food in bowls for Bentley & Casey
Mommy Snuggler~cuddles her mom and helps her turn the pages of the bedtime books

I wonder how long before she realizes that these jobs won't be rotating?

Josie's Top Ten: Ways to Procrastinate Bed Time

2008-10-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

10. "I forgot to say Goodnight to Bentley." (after ignoring him all evening)

9. "Look what I can do with my tongue." (stick it out?---Wow, that's talent.)

8. "I have to go to the bathroom one more time." (Please do.)

7. "I'm feeling lonely. I should call my daddy and tell him about my day."

6. "Let me tell you what I want to eat for my snack tomorrow."

5. "I picked a really long book. Let me find a shorter one with more pictures." (who cares if it takes 10 more minutes to find the perfect book)

4. "Did we feed the turtles today?" (right before you decided to say goodnight to Bentley)

3. "I have to go to the bathroom one more time." (yeah...right! How small is your bladder?)

2. "My eyelashes just don't want to close tonight." (good one!)

And the Number One Reason for Procrastinating Going to Bed:

1. "I need one more kiss & a snuggle and then I can fall asleep, Mommy."

For Maya & Sage From Josie

2008-09-28T19:43:00.001-07:00

My dad bought me some new markers and the first picture I made is for Maya & Sage. That's the sun and the blue sky. And that's my mom, Gudrun, Maya, Sage, me, my dad & David. We are walking in the grass.

I tried to play Fairies with Bentley but he's not good at it.

My mom didn't do a good job with the lighting for this video but you can hear me sing my favorite, "Yellow Song."

I miss you, Maya & Sage!

See you in about 112 sleeps.

Love, Josie

"My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy."

2008-09-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend trying to accomplish the tasks that never seem to be finished. Josie was with her dad and I had (still have) a long list of TO DO's. Papers to grade, laundry to wash/fold/put away, cleaning, lawn to mow, gardens to weed, groceries to gather, meals to plan, beds to change, bathrooms to scour, and windows to wash. I worked on and off, stopping to read emails, chatted with my sister (a much needed break), found some new recipes for the crockpot, sorted mail, brushed the dogs, and here I am at the end of the weekend feeling like I have accomplished nothing on my list.

The dog hair I vacuumed yesterday must have crawled out of the vacuum during the night, the laundry I put away Friday is already showing up dirty in the laundry basket, the weeds I pulled this morning have sprouted in a different bed, and the turtles' aquarium that was scrubbed on Saturday morning is already turning foggy. It seems like I'll never feel caught up.

If my mother would walk into my house at this very moment I'd be embarrassed by the mess! She worked full time, had three busy children and her house was/is always immaculate. How did she do it??? I didn't acquire her Neat Gene, unfortunately. I seem to be more like my dad with several ongoing projects and messes spread throughout.

I try to imagine my house without dog hair, toys picked up, repairs squared away, weeds all pulled, kitchen surfaces clean, laundry put away---but then I realize that it wouldn't feel at all like home.

Lucky for me, I have a helper who is just as happy to help clean up as she is to help create the mess. Last week while I was mopping the floors, she took it upon herself to give Bentley a bath in the backyard with a garden hose and then proudly ran inside WITH a very wet Bentley and muddy feet to show me her good deed.

And so it goes..."My house is clean enough to be healthy & dirty enough to be happy."(Author Unknown but wise!)

Gratitude

2008-09-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

Each night when I put Josie to bed we have our little rituals that both of us seem to need in order to settle in for the night. Her bath is followed by a snack, a chance to watch one more 'movie', one more drink of apple juice, brushing teeth, and then it's time to climb in bed. Most nights she picks out two books for me to read to her and then the lights go out. We snuggle in bed together and I repeat the lines that my grandmother said to me on my many sleepovers,

"Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite."

Josie repeats that phrase and adds,

"I won't wiggle, I won't move and I won't get out of bed, Mommy."

Then I respond with, "And even if you do, I'll love you anyway."

After those formalities are finished we talk about the things we are Grateful for about our day. I've done this with Josie since before she could talk and I remember vividly the days when she'd simply stare at me and smile or babble like she was adding her own ideas to my list. Now that she loves to chatter on and on, her own list of Grateful Things is usually very long and very thoughtful. She never lets me skip this part of the bedtime routine.

"I liked playing fairies with Maya & Sage."

"I think it's funny when Michele calls me silly names."

"Holding Nikki's kitty was the best part of my day, Momma."

"My Grandma is so nice to send me boxes of special things."

"I like reading books with Marilyn."

"Mrs. Rodgers knows the best songs and I LOVE the Crazy Color Creatures!"

'I'm glad my Daddy ate dinner with us tonight."

"I love helping my Grandpa work. He loves me, you know."

Most nights I have to cut off her long list but I love listening to her as she remembers the best part of her day. I think it helps her sequence the day and it definitely increases her ability to tell a story. Since we aren't members of an organized church the Grateful List has become our nightly prayers, which was part of my childhood routine since I was raised Catholic.

Gratitude is something that I want Josie to recognize every day. We are so lucky to live in a world where we have choices, where we can research candidates and cast a vote, where we have ample resources of food, where we have decent (although expensive) healthcare, and where we can feel safe in our communities. There's always room for negative thoughts and a negative perspective but I want to teach Josie to look at the wonderful parts of our day and our lives. She's such a happy child and I want her to continue on that path.

I have had so many people to be grateful for over the past few years. People who have helped me when I've been ill, people who have made themselves our family since our extended family lives thousands of miles away, people who have given me words of encouragment just when I needed it, people who let me vent/moan/complain when I need to, and generous friends who have given me furniture and helped me financially (or made offers of help that I was too proud to accept). I am so fortunate to have the people that I've needed in my life.

This is my attempt at making a public posting to honor those people on my Grateful List. I know that your kindness has been heartfelt and there is no way for me to truly convey my appreciation. I feel like so many have been "Paying It Forward" to make my life easier.

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. "

~Thornton Wilder

Thank you all. I need you and appreciate you more than you know.

*%$# Fashion!

2008-08-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

When you read the title of this blog, say it like it's a curse word because that's how I'm beginning to feel about being the mom of a Girly Girl. Those of you who know me well (and maybe acquaintances, too) know that I would never be referred to as a Girly Girl. Ever. Not in my childhood, adolescence, twenty-somethings, and definitely not in this post-40 phase of my life. I've never really liked dresses or make up or accessories and have never had a clue about what to do with my hair. I've had to force myself to try to be more feminine at various times in my life, but it definitely doesn't come naturally.

So, WHERE did Josie come from?

Manicures & Pedicures By Hannah

She's all about Girly Things: pink, lace, glitter, dresses, skirts, ballerinas and dress up (not to mention her obsession lately with 'loving boys' and talk of marriage). Fortunately, I've been able to expose her to the less glamorous side of life: camping, bug catching, snake watching, dirt digging, worm holding, sand castle building, "peeing in the grass", (and sometimes other things happen in the grass, too), baseball, and hiking BUT if she had her way, she'd choose Glamour all the way.

Her new kindergarten classmates have already made these observations and shared them with me when I volunteered in the classroom:

"Why does Josie always wear skirts? Doesn't she have any shorts?"
"Josie has pretty nails! Why don't you have pretty nails?"
"Josie's favorite color is pink."
"Ohhhh....that's glittery! Josie will like that!"

She picked this flower 'thing' in her hair from the kindergarten Treasure Box this week.

Perhaps Josie's spirit and personality have just developed due to the laws of physics, or maybe there's some Girl Gene that was passed to her through her dad but I marvel at the person she just IS. She's sweet, loving, easy going & compassionate but when it comes to her clothing she is definitely strong willed and very determined. I used to be one of those single & childless teachers that thought to myself, "Geez, I can't believe these parents allow their children to negotiate about clothing." Now that I have Josie, I get it. Josie has mostly hand-me-down clothing (thanks to our generous friends) but she is so determined to wear pinks, purples, & sparkles and dresses & skirts that her wardrobe quickly shrivels to a handful of outfits that she'll tolerate. At five, she doesn't get to choose much about her world but at this point, I figure she's entitled to choose her clothing, as long as it's appropriate for her age and the weather. So basically, it's a battle I choose not to fight.

She's recently learned a new word (and believe me, it's NOT from my vocabulary!): Fashion. She uses it daily in sentences such as,

"I like that pink ribbon. It will look fashion in my hair."

"Look at this sparkly headband. Isn't it so fashion, Mom?"

"Ooooh, if I had those pretty gold shoes, I'd really be fashion."

I hate to break it to her, though she probably already knows the truth in her heart, but her mom does not know "Fashion." And at this stage in my life, I doubt that'll change.

When I registered her for kindergarten at my school last spring, the 6 sweet, smart, lively kindergarten teachers wanted me to choose who would 'get' Josie in their class. I love all of them and did not want to choose, but my final draw was, "The one who is willing to do her hair each morning is the teacher I will select." Lucky for Josie, she has a kind, intelligent, magical AND feminine teacher, Mrs. Rodgers, as a role model. I'm confident that she's learning far more than just 'fashion' with the influence of such a wonderful person.

I'll soon be taking applications for anyone who is willing to move in and coordinate Josie's outfits and hairstyles. This 'Loving Boys' and Fashion stuff is really scaring me.

Proof of a Happy Kindergartener

2008-08-19T19:18:00.000-07:00

Josie & Bentley

Stealing Good Luck Hugs from Casey

"I'm ready for my first day!"

Mrs. Rodgers & Josie

Queen for the Day

Ahhhh...Put on the brakes!!

2008-08-05T17:24:00.001-07:00

Every year when school is getting ready to begin again after summer vacation I start having those Back to School Dreams. I'm sure you're reading this and nodding your head in complete understanding. You know the dreams...arriving at school without your teeth brushed or wearing inappropriate (or NO) clothing, running in very late to a class full of unsupervised & energetic children, trying valiantly to open the door to the classroom but everything's moving in slow motion and the door handle is completely out of reach. I hate those dreams. I know they really just indicate that I'm not feeling prepared (which is almost always true) but I don't like having my last days of leisure time ruined by those nightmares.

This year I haven't had any of those dreams (yet...school is still 6 sleeps away) but I am having dreams about the dread of Josie starting school. Last night it was a dream where I was chasing Josie down the street, shouting for her to slow down. Josie was on her bike racing at top speeds and I was on foot with rubber legs moving in slow motion. She turned to wave goodbye and flew off the curb onto the busy street but my slow motion feet just couldn't get me to her fast enough. Luckily, in my dream, the traffic all stopped and waited for Josie to cross the street safely. Still, I woke up sweating and feeling stressed, wishing that summer could last a few more weeks. At least. I've also had dreams that she comes home from school and tells me that she's now in 3rd grade and when I tell her, "No, you're still in kindergarten!" she explains that I took too long of a nap and missed 3 years of her life. These dreams truly reflect how I am feeling about watching my daughter grow up.

How do the days, weeks, months and years pass by so quickly?

Josie's so enthusiastic about starting school and is so ready that part of me feels really excited for her. Still, there's another part of me that knows I'll be one of those Emotional Moms that has to be coaxed out of the kindergarten room on that first day. (My guess is that Josie will be telling me, "Go away" as she does so frequently when I overstay my welcome in her Friendship World.) I admire Josie's independence and love the fact that she is social and confident in her ability to make friends. I'm not sure that I was ever that outgoing at her age. I still love the moments where she wants to snuggle and curl up on the couch to read books or grabs all of her art supplies and insists that we color together. Working part time has given me the opportunity to interact with Josie in ways that I would have missed as a full time teacher. I have treasured all of my extra time with her and I'll never regret some of the trade-offs I've made in order work part time while living on a shoestring budget.

I've been reading articles in magazines about Separation Anxiety as school approaches but all of them give advice for helping children handle their anxiety, not for mothers who are experiencing anxiety. Maybe moms reading this will give me some tips and can share stories of personal experiences to help guide me through this new milestone that begins in one week.

At the same time I'm worried about how it will feel to watch Josie begin kindergarten, my close friend from my childhood is getting ready to enter into the Empty Nest World as she watches her youngest daughter head off to college in Boston. As I'm lying in bed after one of my 'Kindergarten's Starting' nightmares I try to imagine how Amy feels as she watches Aly prepare for college. I'm feeling jittery about Josie starting school at the same place where I teach. I'll see her on the playground, can peek in her classroom during my lunch break, she'll be eating a lunch that I'll pack for her, I'll be driving her to/from school and will likely hear Josieisms from her teacher, my colleague. My own Separation Anxiety can't compare to the change that Amy will soon face. Her daughters will both be living in or near Boston---about 800 miles away from 'home'---she won't be packing their lunches, she won't be meeting most of the people that are going to be interacting with her daughters, she won't be able to see them until school holidays, and she has to trust that they're making good choices. I know and love Sam & Aly---I watched them grow up and have always admired the way in which Amy & Todd have raised them to be respectful, independent, and self sufficient.

I can't begin to imagine how Amy feels as she gets ready to begin a new phase as the Mother of College Women.

GULP.

I wish I were in Columbus, being teased by and laughing with Amy & Todd as I worry about Kindergarten, and supporting them as they face these new days of being Empty Nesters. My heart is aching for them as much as it aches for myself. If I could, I'd slam on the brakes and hit reverse.

How did this happen?

Contentment

2008-08-03T12:17:00.000-07:00

I recently visited with colleagues at school and was asked how my summer is going. I smiled and said it's been quiet and calm since we didn't make our trek to the midwest to see extended family. In many ways, it feels like summer hasn't 'arrived' because it's been part of our summer routine to spend a couple of weeks traveling around Ohio, Indiana, & Michigan. Due to financial issues I made the choice to stay put in California this summer---first time since moving here 7 years ago. However, we did enjoy our summer in California---day trips to the coast, hikes in Sequoia NP, a camping trip with friends, learning to bowl, enjoying our garden's harvest, playing with friends, leisurely afternoons swimming, playing board games, visits to the library, time to read for pleasure, and a chance to save a little money.

There is something to be said for 'staycations'---they might not meet our expectations for adventure or family reunions, but it definitely gave me a chance to simply relax. So much of life seems to be about hurrying here/there/everywhere that I've come to appreciate those days when Josie says, "What are we gonna do today?" and I can respond with, "Whatever we want."

I've been concerned about friends who are struggling with life choices, moves, relationships, foreclosures and have wanted to help them in some way. I realized today that listening is the most supportive response I can offer. Summer has provided me with the time to simply listen. In the process of listening to others and trying to understand, I'm also learning new things about myself.

Fresno was not a place I 'chose' to live but it's become 'home' for me---not because of the scenery or the cultural activities or the climate---it's become 'home' due to the friends I've made, the 'family' that Josie and I have created, and the routines that make us feel connected to this place.

My life might not be exactly as I would arrange it if I had absolute control but being content is a choice. Our 'staycation' this summer has really helped me realize that I AM content. This has been one of the most relaxing summers I've had in a long time. I still feel sad that I didn't get to spend time with my family (like Josie said when we saw pictures of their 'reunions', "I was supposed to be in those pictures") but we're still having a great summer.

Sometimes our expectations lead us to disappointment when, in reality, we do have control over our own sense of contentment. I didn't lower my expectations, I'm just enjoying what 'IS'. And once again, I'm reminded that Health & Time are the two most valuable things.

Sometimes That Just Happens

2008-08-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

Josie and I were driving to Visalia last week to visit our friends, Marilyn & Doug. On the way, I missed a turn and had to make a U-turn. Josie, who enjoys being my back seat driver, asked me, "What's the matter? Why are we going this way?"

When I told her I made a mistake she replied, "That's okay, Mommy. Sometimes that just happens."

I hope she retains that important truth once she starts school.

Mid-summer reflections...

2008-07-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

Sweet (and sad) Goodbyes---Last day of Daycare with our much loved Nina---What a milestone! Josie spent five years being loved and cared for by Emily. She'll always be very special to us.

Caring for our Vegetable Garden

Climbing trees and rocks in Grant's Grove

Swimming as much as possible to stay cool

Camping at Gagg's Camp with the Satre Family

First time Bowling

Playing on the beach & watching the sunset with special friends.

Josie's Self Portraits: Feet

2008-07-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

We spent Monday at the beach with the Durhams---a glorious break from Fresno's bad air and high temps. Josie asked to use my camera to create these lovely portraits. She came up with the titles once we came home and downloaded the pictures.

"My Sandy Feet"

"My Feet Make a Tower"

A Garden Grows Up

2008-07-13T14:49:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I want to be a vegetable gardener. This whole thing started because I wanted to have fresh veggies for Josie and me to eat but in my past attempts at creating a garden, I thought I didn't have the natural talent to become a gardener. I could show you my Ugly Flower Beds as evidence for that assumption but I'd be too embarrassed.

Sometime near the middle of spring, Gudrun and I started discussing the idea that we should share a 'membership' to a local organic farm so that we could have fresh, in-season fruits and vegetables throughout the year. It didn't take long for us to decide that we might as well try creating our own garden that we could share.

On May 3, we started measuring and digging.

We borrowed Ray's truck to haul our retaining wall blocks and only had one "do over"----can't tell you how proud we were to figure it out on our own!

By the end of the day on May 4th, we had our garden leveled and framed, rocks cut (with help from David's rock-cutting expertise), and the beautiful, rich potting soil hauled and water-packed in our raised vegetable bed. The fact that we had designed it and implemented it almost completely on our own was part of the pride in our accomplishment.

On May 5th Josie, Maya & Sage helped us select our plants and a few flowers and we set to work planting our garden. I wish I could make this a Scratch & Sniff so you could smell the aroma of the rich soil, amend, and herbs, and flowers just as my brain remembers it. Paw prints and muddy snouts were the clear-cut pieces of evidence that we would need fencing reinforcements.

Here we are, 70 days later with mouths watering as we await another day's harvest.

I can tell you that our cucumbers are crunchy, the patty pan squash sweet, cherry tomatoes are delicious, our abundance of basil creates a fine pesto, and our Sweet 100's are nearly perfect. You can see that our eggplant is almost ready to pick---that deep purple is a gorgeous addition to our lush garden! So far, the only death has been our cilantro...I suspect our Fresno heat was just too much to handle.

Does anyone out there have a favorite eggplant recipe to share?

The Sead

2008-07-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

I attempted a blog about a year ago but was worried about lurkers and safety issues so I abandoned the entire idea. However, after being prodded by friends to start a blog and share my mundane stories, I decided to try again. Hence, the 'sead' has been planted once again.

Josie's vocabulary is often lagging behind her emerging ideas which is probably due to genetics. She told me recently after a trip to the coast, "I'd like to live near the sead so that I can play in the sand and run in the waves and see whales and find seashells every day. But, Mommy, I also want the mountains to be by the sead so I can find good sticks and climb trees and rocks while I listen to the sead." After a deep sigh, she wisely said, "I guess we can just do that tomorrow."

I often struggle with the idea that I want my life to be simple and honest but then I look around and quickly get caught up in comparing myself to others. In those moments, I wish for more financial security, or to live in the midwest, or to drive a car with 4 doors, or to have a larger vegetable garden, or to be thin and physically fit, or to have a successful marriage, or to live where the air is clean, or have clothing that's less than seven years old. Since all of those currently seem like 'pipe dreams' I quickly turn my eyes to see what I DO have: a healthy & lively daughter, emotional independence, a simple appreciation for the people I love and the things I enjoy, and TIME to think and reflect and to realize how fortunate I am. Like Josie, I can have all those other things 'tomorrow'...but for today, I'm just going to enjoy being Josie's mom and having the time to cherish our life as it is.