Well...I did it.
I finished cleaning out my closets---a chore I've been dreading for some time. I do this a few times each year but yesterday I was in the mood to purge. I finally got rid of some things that I was hanging on to 'just in case'.
I've lived in Fresno for seven years---in many ways it's flown by and in some ways I feel like a newbie to the area and to this life. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I spent most of my adult life in Columbus, surrounded by family, friends, places & memories that I created over a 25 year span. When I think of it that way, maybe I've done a pretty good job of settling in, as much as I have, to this life in Fresno. I still remember the first time I flew to Fresno after a visit in Ohio and actually felt like I was returning to 'my home'. This is Josie's home and therefore, it is my home.
So, yesterday I finally got rid of my winter coat, shoe & boot, and sweater collections. I almost took photos of the items before I put them into donation bags, knowing that most of my current colleagues would never believe me if I told them about my heels, sandals, pumps & various colors of each type of shoe. (In all, I tossed 32 shoe/boot boxes!!) I looked over each pair carefully and could think of stories & events that occured while wearing those shoes. I tried on a few and wondered how I had ever fit my foot in the shoe, much less wore them for a full day of teaching or a night out. The skirts/dresses are long gone so it was time to say good-bye to those shoes. Wish I could trade them in for a nice comfy pair of Born's, sneakers, Crocs, or Birks.
I had a coat fetish when I was single, working full time, and had a budget that included personal clothing items. I had all types of winter coats & jackets of various styles, colors & lengths. Let's face it...NOT necessary in Fresno. I figure there are Tent City people and other economically challenged thrift shoppers that'll benefit from my newly donated coat collection, not to mention the sweaters that I finally purged.
In the process of cleaning closets I also came upon some sentimental items that I spent time enjoying as I wiped tears of sadness & joy from my eyes. I saved those pieces, thinking that Josie will someday appreciate them and hoping that I can share stories with her about those special family members and friends---people who don't even know of her existence, and yet they have had a profound impact on our lives.
I'm not sure if the purging means I've made room for more memories & things, or if I'm still in a transition phase of becoming myself. I realized I'm not the same person I was 7 or 8 years ago when I lived in Ohio, in that other life that didn't include fog, part time work, being divorced or being a single 'Mom' to Josie. I left behind parts of myself to make room for new, and while I miss those 'purged parts', I'm beginning, once again, to make room for different/new experiences. I still have no idea what that means, exactly, but at least I'm making room.
Experts say that it takes a minimum of 3 years to truly grieve for things we've lost. I'm probably a little slow (or maybe I've had some distractions) but this month is an anniversary of sorts for me. Four years ago this month Ray moved out, my first rescued dog, Morgan, had to be put down due to cancer, my loving & generous grandmother (Josie's namesake) died at the young age of 95, and I was still recovering from my first round of radiation treatment for thyroid cancer & a miscarriage. Pretty big list of things to grieve but here I am four years later finding that "life is about change and change is good."
I finished cleaning out my closets---a chore I've been dreading for some time. I do this a few times each year but yesterday I was in the mood to purge. I finally got rid of some things that I was hanging on to 'just in case'.
I've lived in Fresno for seven years---in many ways it's flown by and in some ways I feel like a newbie to the area and to this life. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I spent most of my adult life in Columbus, surrounded by family, friends, places & memories that I created over a 25 year span. When I think of it that way, maybe I've done a pretty good job of settling in, as much as I have, to this life in Fresno. I still remember the first time I flew to Fresno after a visit in Ohio and actually felt like I was returning to 'my home'. This is Josie's home and therefore, it is my home.
So, yesterday I finally got rid of my winter coat, shoe & boot, and sweater collections. I almost took photos of the items before I put them into donation bags, knowing that most of my current colleagues would never believe me if I told them about my heels, sandals, pumps & various colors of each type of shoe. (In all, I tossed 32 shoe/boot boxes!!) I looked over each pair carefully and could think of stories & events that occured while wearing those shoes. I tried on a few and wondered how I had ever fit my foot in the shoe, much less wore them for a full day of teaching or a night out. The skirts/dresses are long gone so it was time to say good-bye to those shoes. Wish I could trade them in for a nice comfy pair of Born's, sneakers, Crocs, or Birks.
I had a coat fetish when I was single, working full time, and had a budget that included personal clothing items. I had all types of winter coats & jackets of various styles, colors & lengths. Let's face it...NOT necessary in Fresno. I figure there are Tent City people and other economically challenged thrift shoppers that'll benefit from my newly donated coat collection, not to mention the sweaters that I finally purged.
In the process of cleaning closets I also came upon some sentimental items that I spent time enjoying as I wiped tears of sadness & joy from my eyes. I saved those pieces, thinking that Josie will someday appreciate them and hoping that I can share stories with her about those special family members and friends---people who don't even know of her existence, and yet they have had a profound impact on our lives.
I'm not sure if the purging means I've made room for more memories & things, or if I'm still in a transition phase of becoming myself. I realized I'm not the same person I was 7 or 8 years ago when I lived in Ohio, in that other life that didn't include fog, part time work, being divorced or being a single 'Mom' to Josie. I left behind parts of myself to make room for new, and while I miss those 'purged parts', I'm beginning, once again, to make room for different/new experiences. I still have no idea what that means, exactly, but at least I'm making room.
Experts say that it takes a minimum of 3 years to truly grieve for things we've lost. I'm probably a little slow (or maybe I've had some distractions) but this month is an anniversary of sorts for me. Four years ago this month Ray moved out, my first rescued dog, Morgan, had to be put down due to cancer, my loving & generous grandmother (Josie's namesake) died at the young age of 95, and I was still recovering from my first round of radiation treatment for thyroid cancer & a miscarriage. Pretty big list of things to grieve but here I am four years later finding that "life is about change and change is good."
Cleaning closets is challenging work!
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3 comments:
Thanks for sharing that Lori...brought a tear to my eye...you are such an inspiration of strength to me....I love how you seize all the moments and have so much spontaneity.
Amazing writing, again. So poignant.
I keep thinking about this post (I've had it up on my computer for a couple of days). The willingness to let go, to redefine yourself and your life, to shed your old self and luxuriate in the person that you are at present--these are such wonderful signs of growth . . . yet it's so hard sometimes to get ourselves to the point of moving on. It's important for us to remember--because we'll have those moments again, moments where we know we have to let go, but it feels so difficult.
Thanks so much for sharing . . .
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