Courage is a Process

Josie is such a happy-go-lucky, friendly little soul. She seems to make friends easily and doesn't usually demonstrate apprehension with new experiences. I've learned through her questioning ("What will it look like, mom?" "Who will be there?" "Is it like ______?" "Will it be loud?" "Have you ever tried it?" "Did I ever do that when I was a little girl?" "Will there be shots?" "Will I sit in a chair that moves?" "Will the dentist be a girl or a boy?") that she likes to feel prepared for new things so I always try to help her by 'setting the stage'. Since she's so social, she'll usually take off and join in instead of clinging to my leg or acting shy. I'm always proud and amazed by how easily she seems to work through new experiences.

She took tennis lessons after school in the fall and on the first day I walked her out to where a small crowd was forming on the school playground and she quickly ran to the line and started talking to the other kids in the group, "Hi! My name is Josie. Do you want to be my friend?" There was a "big" first grade girl standing to the side, crying, and Josie noticed her immediately. She went over to her, put her arm around her shoulder and said, "Come with me. We're going to play tennis and we'll use racquets & balls & the coaches will help us." (Those were all things I had shared with her that morning, so I know she soaked it all in.) I was so proud of how easily she stepped in to help the scared first grader---clearly she's hit that developmental phase of being able to show empathy.

Knowing that Josie is all about Girl Things, and that dresses and fancy shoes bring on smiles, not to mention that her favorite dress up outfit for over 2 years was a Bride's costume that the washing machine refused to shred, I thought she'd be 'over the moon' when I told her that Erin (my cousin & Goddaughter) would like her to be the Flower Girl at her wedding in October. Without hesitation she burst into tears and said, "NO. I will not be going to any wedding. I won't do it. I won't be doing any kissing and I won't wear a pretty dress and I'm not going to be a Flower Girl." I realized at that moment that we've never been to a wedding that had a flower girl so I tried to back-pedal and start over. I tried to describe what a Flower Girl does, how a Flower Girl dresses, and reassured her that there would be NO kissing of Flower Girls. "You'll be a big girl by then...6 1/2 and you won't be afraid by then." This didn't help. "I will always be afraid to be in a wedding. I just don't like weddings. I like to dance but that doesn't mean I like weddings. The dresses are pretty. But I don't want to see kissing. Weddings are scary, Mommy." (Believe me, I could have lectured on the topic of Scary Marriages but we'll save that for another developmental phase.)

Since it IS the age of technology, I decided to find some youtube videos so I could show her what a Flower Girl looks like/does. She hid her eyes and cried and refused to look at the screen. I then pulled out some old photos of myself from when I was a little Flower Girl in Erin's parents' wedding when I was 4 years old. This only made her cry harder because I had a pixie haircut and I looked like a little boy wearing a pink dress (and, if you remember from an earlier post, she's so relieved that I might soon be a girl so the photo probably made her think I'd regress with my hair growing accomplishment--or maybe she thought we'd have to give her a Pixie-do, too?).

I decided to change the subject and let it go.

This morning as we were eating breakfast and playing a game of Parcheesi Josie reminded me, "I'm not going to be a Flower Girl and no one can make me. I just don't like weddings and I don't like kissing. I like boys but I'm not kissing them." I decided to focus on the Parcheesi game and quickly rolled doubles and let out a loud cheer. Afterall, the wedding isn't until October and we have some time to work this through.

The photo of me looking like a boy in the pink Flower Girl dress was still on the counter and I noticed she was looking at it while I was getting dinner ready tonight. I didn't comment and she tucked it under a pile of stuff, thinking I hadn't noticed. It wasn't until bedtime that she brought up the subject on her own. "Mama, I've been using my magination all day. I can see me wearing a pink dress or maybe a red one and it has one of those pretty bows & my hair would look really pretty, too. I think I might like to carry a basket with flowers. I'll keep magining it and see how it feels tomorrow. I think when I'm 6 I'll be brave about being a flower girl."

That's a lot of progress in one day, don't you think? I feel so lucky that I have a daughter who is so verbal and so thoughtful...she can say what's on her mind in pretty clear terms for her age. I'm also impressed by the process she uses to build up her own confidence. She may change her mind again tomorrow but I'm hoping she embraces the idea and wants to try something new. I'd never force her to be a Flower Girl if she doesn't feel comfortable but I don't want her to miss out on adventures because of fear.

I learn so much from Josie...from her wisdom, her innocence, her simple delight in life. I hope I'm prepared to parent her through each stage of her life because I recognize that it's only going to become more complicated as she continues to grow into her amazingly strong personality.


(Now...since the wedding is in Houston & I'm being pink slipped for a portion of my job next year, I'm hoping some of you will have some fund-raising ideas for me. I don't think our garden produces enough for me to sell our wares at the Farmer's Market but I'm open to ideas!!)