Sleep Tight, Don't Let the Bedbugs Bite.

Dear Grandma,
You have been and always will be SO loved by everyone who knew you. Saying goodbye to you is not an easy thing to do but imagining you in a peaceful place, playing cards with Grandpa, gossiping over coffee with Lilly Albers, and laughing your hearty laugh brings a smile to my face. You have lived an amazingly long and extraordinary life, Grandma.

I’m saying goodbye to you in a letter because I couldn't be there in person to give you a final hug and kiss, but I know you understand. You have always been supportive of those you love and never judgmental about anyone’s choices. Your hugs and smiles showed all of us how to love unconditionally. Your eight children, 32 grandchildren and who-knows-how-many great grandchildren have an incredible legacy leading the way through our lives.

Little Josie, appropriately named Josephine in your honor, will hear endless stories about her great-grandma! She is a cat lover like you, loves to laugh from her belly like you and already draws in friends with her jovial personality, just like you. When I think of your life on the farm and how hard you have always worked I am in awe of how you always had time for the little things that proved to be life lessons for me.

Grandpa didn’t like the sparrows living in his martin house so he would have a regular “nest cleaning” and tossed the baby sparrows to the side of the lane to die. Being young and naïve and not understanding how the sparrows could harm his crops, I gathered up the baby birds and brought them to you so you could save them. I can still smell the lard crinkling in the skillet as you tried to prepare dinner, see the dishes stacked by the sink waiting to be washed, and vegetables waiting to be cleaned for canning and yet you would stop everything to help me make a warm, homemade nest for the pesky baby sparrows and then you’d show me how to drop water in their mouths. All the while, you knew those sparrows would die and our efforts to save them would be wasted but you showed me that taking the time to heal my broken heart was more important than the chores you needed to finish. I hope that I remember those lessons all of Josie’s life and I hope I model that compassion for her daily.

Some of my favorite memories are the times when I got to spend vacations with you on the farm. You completely indulged your grandchildren by allowing us to sleep in late, run and play when there was plenty of work to do, feeding us our favorite cinnamon rolls, homemade French fries, Big Red floats, and the best apple or cherry pies in the world! Each night after we played hard and ate ourselves silly, you would help us get ready for bed and rub our backs and listen to us tell you about our adventures with the happiest grin on your face! We would then beg to play cards with you and Grandpa and you would play whatever kind of cards we were old enough to understand: Crazy Eights, Spoons, Kings in the Corner, Gin Rummy, Euchre, or maybe even Pinochle. As we got older we tried to slam our cards on the table as hard as Grandpa could just to see you smile. Whenever you thought Grandpa was being too competitive, you’d give him the old, “Awk, come on now, Daddy.” I’d give anything to sit at that table with you and Grandpa and play one more hand of cards.

These last few years of watching your mind and body slip away have been difficult for those who love you. Seeing you trapped in a body that wouldn’t let you laugh or hug us has been uncomfortable for us. We could see that glimmer of a smile and we have wondered if you knew we were with you. You still managed to giggle now and then and you would look into our eyes and give us some hope that you might understand what we wanted to share with you but we always left feeling sad that your mind and body weren’t free to communicate with us. Your words have sustained me for the last several years and will help me through this final goodbye on Earth.

Shortly before you had to go live in the nursing home to receive the care you needed, I was lucky enough to help you pick and pit cherries one last time. I called you from Columbus to tell you I was on my way and you sounded upbeat and happy that I was going to spend a few days with you. When I arrived, you were busy pitting cherries at the kitchen table and looked up at me as if you were confused about my being there. After saying hello and giving you a hug, I could tell that you still weren’t sure who I was. I sat with you and held your hands and said, “Grandma, I’m Lori. I called you this morning from Columbus to tell you I was on my way to help with cherries, remember?” You squeezed my hands and put your arms around me to give me a big hug but you had a sad look on your face. When you finished hugging me tight, you put your hands on my cheeks and looked right into my eyes and said, “Honey, I might not always know who you are, but I will always love you.” I hear your voice in my head and I know that you still love each one of us. You knew just what to say to help me get through those years of seeing you drift away from all of us.

I'd like to believe that your body is now free and your mind alert. I envision you as our guardian angel, looking out for each one of us. As Josie grows up and hears stories about her great-grandma, Josephine, I know she will feel proud to carry your name. She is a lucky little girl to have pieces of your personality growing inside of her!

Grandma, I can hear you laughing and I can feel the warmth of your hug and the gentle scratch of your fingers on my back. You have had a wonderful life and you have shown your family so much love and compassion that I hope will continue to grow and expand in each of our families. I am so lucky to call you my Grandma and to have so many memories of you stored in my mind.

Sleep Tight. Don’t let the bed-bugs bite.

Love You, Lori

Josephine: A Short Biograhpy

Josephine's First Communion at about 6 or 7 years old

My maternal grandmother, Josephine, was born on Christmas Day, 1908. She would have turned 100 years old this week and naturally, I can't celebrate Christmas without remembering my grandma.

We've all debated whether or not Christmas is truly the day Grandma was born or if the orphanage in NYC or Immigration Officials at Ellis Island simply assigned this date as her approximate birth. We do know that she was born on a ship that set sail from Italy and was born sometime during the journey to the U.S. After arriving in NYC, she was placed in an orphanage, and according to the stories told by my aunts & uncles, she lived there because her birth parents couldn't afford to care for her. My grandmother never talked with me about her early memories and I'm not sure if she simply didn't have memories of that time or if she chose to live in the present (which would have been typical of my grandmother).

When Josephine was about 3 years old, she was put on a train during the Orphan Train movement and headed toward the midwest farming communities. PBS has a short but informative piece about the Orphan Trains, which was designed to help provide homes & families for the numerous orphans in NYC, but also meant to help farming families with the great task/labor of running their small farms. The PBS program shares some of the positive and negative aspects of the Orphan Train program but I'd give anything to know what it was like from my grandmother's perspective.

Josephine shortly after her adoption, approximately 1911

Grandma rode the train all the way to Ohio, although I'm not sure which depot was her final destination. She was adopted by a German Catholic couple who were unable to have their own children and they took her back to their farm in Coldwater, Ohio. She lived in the same farm house the rest of her life, caring for the livestock, working in the fields, cooking for farm workers, raising her eight children (one set of twins), and creating a huge legacy alongside her husband, Raymond. Stories about my great-grandfather make him sound like a very controlling & abusive man so I can only imagine what it was like for my grandmother as she was growing up with such a mean-spirited father. I have to assume that someone showed her love and compassion because that is all she had to share with her children and grandchildren.

Josephine taken before she was married, in about 1930

I have a storehouse full of memories of my grandmother and grandfather and all of them make me smile & laugh. They are typical of the generation that lived through the Great Depression & World War II---saving every penny in a safe at home, living off their land, recycling & reusing everything. (When they moved out of their farmhouse into a nursing home facility, we all had a sentimental journey as we sorted through the saved plastic bread bags, twist ties, flattened-out-but-used tinfoil, and the jars & jars of homemade canned goods down in the cellar.) They certainly never had much in the way of monetary wealth or financial value but for me, they led the kind of life that I hold dear. I strive to be like them: loving one another through good/bad, sharing the little they did have with anyone in need, feeling a sense of pride about a good day's work, appreciating friends and family & always having time for a good game of cards.

Josephine & Ray's Wedding Photo, June 1933

My grandma came to this world with very little---abandoned at birth and raised as an only child. She never complained and always had hugs to share, led us in laughter, and made sure we knew that she loved each one of us. And she had a lot of us to love. When she died four years ago, about 3 weeks shy of her 96th birthday, she had 8 children, 32 grandchildren & 66 great-grandchildren. For a woman who came with nothing she certainly has impacted this world with the brood of family she's left behind. Her gifts of unconditional love and compassion are guiding forces for all of us.

It's with honor and respect that my daughter was named after my grandmother. My grandma met Josie twice before she died. My mom wasn't sure if Grandma understood that Josie was her namesake & great-grandchild but the love in her eyes has me convinced that she somehow understood. My grandmother 'left us' long before she died, due to the horrible progression of Alzheimer's. In some ways, I've felt that we all needed to let go of her slowly so maybe the disease helped us all grieve & accept that we couldn't keep her forever.

I was unable to attend my grandmother's funeral when she died in 2004 (something I'll always regret because I needed to have that closure) but I did write a letter to my grandma and emailed it to my brother so that he could include it in her casket as a way of saying goodbye. I intend to post it on my blog as a tribute to Grandma on what would have been her 100th birthday in just a few days. We were all so sure she'd live to be 100---her strength, quiet wisdom, and unending love were larger than life for all of us who knew her.

Dad...does THIS entice you to move here?

A brief review:

Josie and I planted our Winter Garden seeds on September 1:




Tonight as I was preparing our dinner of grilled chicken, fresh cranberries & red skinned potatoes Josie informed me that she really wanted a salad with her dinner. We both love our greens so I normally keep a bag of lettuce on hand to easily prepare a quick salad. I grabbed the bag that I knew was in our crisper but could quickly see that it had been in our refrigerator a bit too long. I tossed it in the green bin and told Josie we'd have to do without a salad tonight. The disappointment on her face reminded me that our lettuce had been looking tasty in the garden so I ran outside in the rare Fresno hail storm and cut our first lettuce.


Luckily, our (store bought) cucumbers & tomatoes were still fresh and Josie was happy to help me wash the lettuce and tear it for our salad. (Next year I hope to grow some winter tomatoes & cucumbers, as I've heard it's possible in Fresno!)


Unfortunately, Josie's taste buds have grown accustomed to store bought lettuce so the flavors from our fresh, crunchy romaine & radicchio lettuces were a little much for her. She made a disgusting face and spit it into her napkin while declaring, "This lettuce is too spicy!"




Hopefully we'll be able to re-train her taste buds soon so that she can enjoy our winter garden as much as the rest of us!

Fresh lettuce from our backyard garden in December?! Sure beats the cold temps in the teens that you've been 'enjoying', don't you think, Dad?

Thanksgiving Traditions

I love Thanksgiving! It's always been my favorite holiday---filled with memories of large family gatherings at my grandparent's farm or an aunt or uncle's house. Coming from a large extended family where I'm one of 32 grandchildren on my mom's side and one of 19 grandchilden on my dad's side, there was always excitement surrounding the holidays or any family gathering, for that matter.

I looked forward to them as a child, took them for granted as an adolescent, and enjoyed the reconnecting as a 20-something. My friends always enjoyed hearing the stories and just couldn't imagine what those large gatherings entailed. Almost always, there were trips to the Emergency Room, teasing & taunting among the cousins, chasing cows down the lane to creek, tying someone to a tree/post/tractor, loud euchre card games between the aunts/uncles, pipe smoking by Grandpa, way too much food & bottled sodas, games of Kick the Can, hay forts, Ouji Board frights, fighting over who would get to sit on furniture and who would plop down on the laminate-tiled floor, living room tag in the snow/rain, and most certainly...laughter---and a lot of it!

As we got older, Thanksgiving rotated between aunts & uncles homes and that always meant sleepovers. Who doesn't love sleepovers with their cousins? Again...fighting over beds, best positioning of the sleeping bags, who would get a pillow and who would suffer without, laughing and giggling until the wee hours and knowing that no one cared because there were serious card games going on that no child could interrupt. I remember waking in the middle of the night to raid the olive jars (and later to steal the beer or sample Grandpa's homemade cherry wine) and then playing 'stupid' when an aunt would wonder why we had no olives (or beer or cherry wine)for dinner on Thanksgiving afternoon. Grandma's homemade cinnamon rolls or donuts for breakfast, jello salads, & staying in our pajamas until we were forced to 'go outside and get some fresh air'.I'll forever miss seeing the back sides of all of my aunts fighting for counter space as they cleaned up the dinner mess---little did they know that there were a couple of cousins hiding under the large kitchen table listening to the chatter & gossip.

I am so thankful for the large extended family that continues to sustain us and to remind me of the most important gifts: spending time with those we love. Those memories have helped me to create the loving & playful traditions that I share with Josie and our friends in Fresno.

Now that I'm living across the country from my large extended family, I still have that nostalgic feeling about Thanksgiving. I still love it and while I'll never re-create that crowd or be able to reproduce those menus, I watched as my daughter soaked up and savored every moment of our Thanksgiving today. I joyfully realized that she's making some of her own favorite memories. She, too, was looking forward to Thanksgiving and made a list of the people she knew would gather at our house. She knew there'd be that "old dead turkey" to eat, that Paige, Brian & Marsha would come with food, and she knew there'd be games to play and lots of giggling to do. She was thrilled to have both of her parents together for Thanksgiving this year and we all delighted in her energy and excitement.

Josie spent all day giggling and when I was cleaning up in the kitchen she hurried in quickly, grabbed my legs and said, "I have to tell you something, Mommy!" When I leaned down for the inevitable whisper, she pressed her nose to my nose, gave me a big hug and said, "I love Thanksgiving!" She ran out as quickly as a flash (I suppose to make sure she didn't miss out on any opportunities to laugh?) but it left me feeling so proud of the traditions we've created.

I wonder which memories Josie will share some day?

(Finger nail painting, Parcheesi, I Spy, gummy bear cake, Guessture tournaments, passing flatus, 'old dead turkeys', Tripoli, poker, being with people who love her?)

Cleaning Closets

Well...I did it.

I finished cleaning out my closets---a chore I've been dreading for some time. I do this a few times each year but yesterday I was in the mood to purge. I finally got rid of some things that I was hanging on to 'just in case'.

I've lived in Fresno for seven years---in many ways it's flown by and in some ways I feel like a newbie to the area and to this life. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I spent most of my adult life in Columbus, surrounded by family, friends, places & memories that I created over a 25 year span. When I think of it that way, maybe I've done a pretty good job of settling in, as much as I have, to this life in Fresno. I still remember the first time I flew to Fresno after a visit in Ohio and actually felt like I was returning to 'my home'. This is Josie's home and therefore, it is my home.

So, yesterday I finally got rid of my winter coat, shoe & boot, and sweater collections. I almost took photos of the items before I put them into donation bags, knowing that most of my current colleagues would never believe me if I told them about my heels, sandals, pumps & various colors of each type of shoe. (In all, I tossed 32 shoe/boot boxes!!) I looked over each pair carefully and could think of stories & events that occured while wearing those shoes. I tried on a few and wondered how I had ever fit my foot in the shoe, much less wore them for a full day of teaching or a night out. The skirts/dresses are long gone so it was time to say good-bye to those shoes. Wish I could trade them in for a nice comfy pair of Born's, sneakers, Crocs, or Birks.

I had a coat fetish when I was single, working full time, and had a budget that included personal clothing items. I had all types of winter coats & jackets of various styles, colors & lengths. Let's face it...NOT necessary in Fresno. I figure there are Tent City people and other economically challenged thrift shoppers that'll benefit from my newly donated coat collection, not to mention the sweaters that I finally purged.

In the process of cleaning closets I also came upon some sentimental items that I spent time enjoying as I wiped tears of sadness & joy from my eyes. I saved those pieces, thinking that Josie will someday appreciate them and hoping that I can share stories with her about those special family members and friends---people who don't even know of her existence, and yet they have had a profound impact on our lives.

I'm not sure if the purging means I've made room for more memories & things, or if I'm still in a transition phase of becoming myself. I realized I'm not the same person I was 7 or 8 years ago when I lived in Ohio, in that other life that didn't include fog, part time work, being divorced or being a single 'Mom' to Josie. I left behind parts of myself to make room for new, and while I miss those 'purged parts', I'm beginning, once again, to make room for different/new experiences. I still have no idea what that means, exactly, but at least I'm making room.

Experts say that it takes a minimum of 3 years to truly grieve for things we've lost. I'm probably a little slow (or maybe I've had some distractions) but this month is an anniversary of sorts for me. Four years ago this month Ray moved out, my first rescued dog, Morgan, had to be put down due to cancer, my loving & generous grandmother (Josie's namesake) died at the young age of 95, and I was still recovering from my first round of radiation treatment for thyroid cancer & a miscarriage. Pretty big list of things to grieve but here I am four years later finding that "life is about change and change is good."

Cleaning closets is challenging work!