"My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy."

I spent the weekend trying to accomplish the tasks that never seem to be finished. Josie was with her dad and I had (still have) a long list of TO DO's. Papers to grade, laundry to wash/fold/put away, cleaning, lawn to mow, gardens to weed, groceries to gather, meals to plan, beds to change, bathrooms to scour, and windows to wash. I worked on and off, stopping to read emails, chatted with my sister (a much needed break), found some new recipes for the crockpot, sorted mail, brushed the dogs, and here I am at the end of the weekend feeling like I have accomplished nothing on my list.

The dog hair I vacuumed yesterday must have crawled out of the vacuum during the night, the laundry I put away Friday is already showing up dirty in the laundry basket, the weeds I pulled this morning have sprouted in a different bed, and the turtles' aquarium that was scrubbed on Saturday morning is already turning foggy. It seems like I'll never feel caught up.

If my mother would walk into my house at this very moment I'd be embarrassed by the mess! She worked full time, had three busy children and her house was/is always immaculate. How did she do it??? I didn't acquire her Neat Gene, unfortunately. I seem to be more like my dad with several ongoing projects and messes spread throughout.

I try to imagine my house without dog hair, toys picked up, repairs squared away, weeds all pulled, kitchen surfaces clean, laundry put away---but then I realize that it wouldn't feel at all like home.

Lucky for me, I have a helper who is just as happy to help clean up as she is to help create the mess. Last week while I was mopping the floors, she took it upon herself to give Bentley a bath in the backyard with a garden hose and then proudly ran inside WITH a very wet Bentley and muddy feet to show me her good deed.

And so it goes..."My house is clean enough to be healthy & dirty enough to be happy."(Author Unknown but wise!)

Gratitude

Each night when I put Josie to bed we have our little rituals that both of us seem to need in order to settle in for the night. Her bath is followed by a snack, a chance to watch one more 'movie', one more drink of apple juice, brushing teeth, and then it's time to climb in bed. Most nights she picks out two books for me to read to her and then the lights go out. We snuggle in bed together and I repeat the lines that my grandmother said to me on my many sleepovers,

"Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite."

Josie repeats that phrase and adds,

"I won't wiggle, I won't move and I won't get out of bed, Mommy."

Then I respond with, "And even if you do, I'll love you anyway."

After those formalities are finished we talk about the things we are Grateful for about our day. I've done this with Josie since before she could talk and I remember vividly the days when she'd simply stare at me and smile or babble like she was adding her own ideas to my list. Now that she loves to chatter on and on, her own list of Grateful Things is usually very long and very thoughtful. She never lets me skip this part of the bedtime routine.

"I liked playing fairies with Maya & Sage."

"I think it's funny when Michele calls me silly names."

"Holding Nikki's kitty was the best part of my day, Momma."

"My Grandma is so nice to send me boxes of special things."

"I like reading books with Marilyn."

"Mrs. Rodgers knows the best songs and I LOVE the Crazy Color Creatures!"

'I'm glad my Daddy ate dinner with us tonight."

"I love helping my Grandpa work. He loves me, you know."

Most nights I have to cut off her long list but I love listening to her as she remembers the best part of her day. I think it helps her sequence the day and it definitely increases her ability to tell a story. Since we aren't members of an organized church the Grateful List has become our nightly prayers, which was part of my childhood routine since I was raised Catholic.

Gratitude is something that I want Josie to recognize every day. We are so lucky to live in a world where we have choices, where we can research candidates and cast a vote, where we have ample resources of food, where we have decent (although expensive) healthcare, and where we can feel safe in our communities. There's always room for negative thoughts and a negative perspective but I want to teach Josie to look at the wonderful parts of our day and our lives. She's such a happy child and I want her to continue on that path.

I have had so many people to be grateful for over the past few years. People who have helped me when I've been ill, people who have made themselves our family since our extended family lives thousands of miles away, people who have given me words of encouragment just when I needed it, people who let me vent/moan/complain when I need to, and generous friends who have given me furniture and helped me financially (or made offers of help that I was too proud to accept). I am so fortunate to have the people that I've needed in my life.

This is my attempt at making a public posting to honor those people on my Grateful List. I know that your kindness has been heartfelt and there is no way for me to truly convey my appreciation. I feel like so many have been "Paying It Forward" to make my life easier.

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. "

~Thornton Wilder

Thank you all. I need you and appreciate you more than you know.

*%$# Fashion!

When you read the title of this blog, say it like it's a curse word because that's how I'm beginning to feel about being the mom of a Girly Girl. Those of you who know me well (and maybe acquaintances, too) know that I would never be referred to as a Girly Girl. Ever. Not in my childhood, adolescence, twenty-somethings, and definitely not in this post-40 phase of my life. I've never really liked dresses or make up or accessories and have never had a clue about what to do with my hair. I've had to force myself to try to be more feminine at various times in my life, but it definitely doesn't come naturally.

So, WHERE did Josie come from?

Manicures & Pedicures By Hannah

She's all about Girly Things: pink, lace, glitter, dresses, skirts, ballerinas and dress up (not to mention her obsession lately with 'loving boys' and talk of marriage). Fortunately, I've been able to expose her to the less glamorous side of life: camping, bug catching, snake watching, dirt digging, worm holding, sand castle building, "peeing in the grass", (and sometimes other things happen in the grass, too), baseball, and hiking BUT if she had her way, she'd choose Glamour all the way.

Her new kindergarten classmates have already made these observations and shared them with me when I volunteered in the classroom:

"Why does Josie always wear skirts? Doesn't she have any shorts?"
"Josie has pretty nails! Why don't you have pretty nails?"
"Josie's favorite color is pink."
"Ohhhh....that's glittery! Josie will like that!"

She picked this flower 'thing' in her hair from the kindergarten Treasure Box this week.

Perhaps Josie's spirit and personality have just developed due to the laws of physics, or maybe there's some Girl Gene that was passed to her through her dad but I marvel at the person she just IS. She's sweet, loving, easy going & compassionate but when it comes to her clothing she is definitely strong willed and very determined. I used to be one of those single & childless teachers that thought to myself, "Geez, I can't believe these parents allow their children to negotiate about clothing." Now that I have Josie, I get it. Josie has mostly hand-me-down clothing (thanks to our generous friends) but she is so determined to wear pinks, purples, & sparkles and dresses & skirts that her wardrobe quickly shrivels to a handful of outfits that she'll tolerate. At five, she doesn't get to choose much about her world but at this point, I figure she's entitled to choose her clothing, as long as it's appropriate for her age and the weather. So basically, it's a battle I choose not to fight.

She's recently learned a new word (and believe me, it's NOT from my vocabulary!): Fashion. She uses it daily in sentences such as,

"I like that pink ribbon. It will look fashion in my hair."

"Look at this sparkly headband. Isn't it so fashion, Mom?"

"Ooooh, if I had those pretty gold shoes, I'd really be fashion."

I hate to break it to her, though she probably already knows the truth in her heart, but her mom does not know "Fashion." And at this stage in my life, I doubt that'll change.

When I registered her for kindergarten at my school last spring, the 6 sweet, smart, lively kindergarten teachers wanted me to choose who would 'get' Josie in their class. I love all of them and did not want to choose, but my final draw was, "The one who is willing to do her hair each morning is the teacher I will select." Lucky for Josie, she has a kind, intelligent, magical AND feminine teacher, Mrs. Rodgers, as a role model. I'm confident that she's learning far more than just 'fashion' with the influence of such a wonderful person.

I'll soon be taking applications for anyone who is willing to move in and coordinate Josie's outfits and hairstyles. This 'Loving Boys' and Fashion stuff is really scaring me.

Proof of a Happy Kindergartener

Josie & Bentley

Stealing Good Luck Hugs from Casey

"I'm ready for my first day!"

Mrs. Rodgers & Josie

Queen for the Day

Ahhhh...Put on the brakes!!

Every year when school is getting ready to begin again after summer vacation I start having those Back to School Dreams. I'm sure you're reading this and nodding your head in complete understanding. You know the dreams...arriving at school without your teeth brushed or wearing inappropriate (or NO) clothing, running in very late to a class full of unsupervised & energetic children, trying valiantly to open the door to the classroom but everything's moving in slow motion and the door handle is completely out of reach. I hate those dreams. I know they really just indicate that I'm not feeling prepared (which is almost always true) but I don't like having my last days of leisure time ruined by those nightmares.

This year I haven't had any of those dreams (yet...school is still 6 sleeps away) but I am having dreams about the dread of Josie starting school. Last night it was a dream where I was chasing Josie down the street, shouting for her to slow down. Josie was on her bike racing at top speeds and I was on foot with rubber legs moving in slow motion. She turned to wave goodbye and flew off the curb onto the busy street but my slow motion feet just couldn't get me to her fast enough. Luckily, in my dream, the traffic all stopped and waited for Josie to cross the street safely. Still, I woke up sweating and feeling stressed, wishing that summer could last a few more weeks. At least. I've also had dreams that she comes home from school and tells me that she's now in 3rd grade and when I tell her, "No, you're still in kindergarten!" she explains that I took too long of a nap and missed 3 years of her life. These dreams truly reflect how I am feeling about watching my daughter grow up.


How do the days, weeks, months and years pass by so quickly?



Josie's so enthusiastic about starting school and is so ready that part of me feels really excited for her. Still, there's another part of me that knows I'll be one of those Emotional Moms that has to be coaxed out of the kindergarten room on that first day. (My guess is that Josie will be telling me, "Go away" as she does so frequently when I overstay my welcome in her Friendship World.) I admire Josie's independence and love the fact that she is social and confident in her ability to make friends. I'm not sure that I was ever that outgoing at her age. I still love the moments where she wants to snuggle and curl up on the couch to read books or grabs all of her art supplies and insists that we color together. Working part time has given me the opportunity to interact with Josie in ways that I would have missed as a full time teacher. I have treasured all of my extra time with her and I'll never regret some of the trade-offs I've made in order work part time while living on a shoestring budget.

I've been reading articles in magazines about Separation Anxiety as school approaches but all of them give advice for helping children handle their anxiety, not for mothers who are experiencing anxiety. Maybe moms reading this will give me some tips and can share stories of personal experiences to help guide me through this new milestone that begins in one week.

At the same time I'm worried about how it will feel to watch Josie begin kindergarten, my close friend from my childhood is getting ready to enter into the Empty Nest World as she watches her youngest daughter head off to college in Boston. As I'm lying in bed after one of my 'Kindergarten's Starting' nightmares I try to imagine how Amy feels as she watches Aly prepare for college. I'm feeling jittery about Josie starting school at the same place where I teach. I'll see her on the playground, can peek in her classroom during my lunch break, she'll be eating a lunch that I'll pack for her, I'll be driving her to/from school and will likely hear Josieisms from her teacher, my colleague. My own Separation Anxiety can't compare to the change that Amy will soon face. Her daughters will both be living in or near Boston---about 800 miles away from 'home'---she won't be packing their lunches, she won't be meeting most of the people that are going to be interacting with her daughters, she won't be able to see them until school holidays, and she has to trust that they're making good choices. I know and love Sam & Aly---I watched them grow up and have always admired the way in which Amy & Todd have raised them to be respectful, independent, and self sufficient.

I can't begin to imagine how Amy feels as she gets ready to begin a new phase as the Mother of College Women.

GULP.

I wish I were in Columbus, being teased by and laughing with Amy & Todd as I worry about Kindergarten, and supporting them as they face these new days of being Empty Nesters. My heart is aching for them as much as it aches for myself. If I could, I'd slam on the brakes and hit reverse.

How did this happen?